LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED

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Mammatus Clouds Part 2

2011-05-25T18:59:00.000-05:00

Mammatus Clouds

2011-05-25T18:58:00.000-05:00

Lovely Roses

2011-05-02T01:33:00.001-05:00

I don't really love photographing nature, either, although this blog is fairly unconvincing to that end, I'm sure. But it's not something I get excited about, or plan for. If I happen to see something beautiful, though, why not capture it to keep?

I love these roses because of the contrast of the pale inner side of the petal against the deeply hued outer side. The only thing that would make these shots more stereotypical than ever would be glistening water drops hanging precariously from the petals. Heck, lets add some to the butterfly wings, too. I'm going to start 'Shopping glistening water drops onto everything...Especially Maisie's eyes, that would be perfection. I almost can't stand it.

Spring Fancies

2011-05-02T01:24:00.000-05:00

I don't actually LOVE butterflies. I certainly don't mind them, but I don't seek out opportunities to photograph them. However, having a butterfly garden for Maisie, the opportunity is presenting itself - ten times over - so I might as well take advantage of it. This little one we released on our neighbor's gorgeous lavender clematis just as the sun was setting. Then it flitted over to some white honeysuckle, after which we finally gave it some space.

Mississippi River at 2' Above Flood Stage

2011-04-29T10:28:00.001-05:00

Mississippi River at 2' Above Flood Stage

2011-04-29T10:27:00.002-05:00

Mississippi River at 2' Above Flood Stage

2011-04-29T10:26:00.001-05:00

What A Day!

2011-04-26T23:44:00.002-05:00

I've dubbed this "Nature Day". We woke to find one of Maisie's butterflies had emerged from its chrysalis. Maisie put on her butterfly dress and we let it go. What a treat to get to "hold" a butterfly, because it didn't know any better!

When we got to work this morning, from the second story window of the nursery we had a perfect view of two mourning doves building a nest. One would fly off to find nesting materials, and return to land on the other's back and make a delivery. After leaving again, the dove in the nest flittered and twitched each new piece into place with remarkable speed. We were so close, but I only had the iPod to take video or pictures, and it just wasn't close enough for that little lens. I'm hoping tomorrow we can get another opportunity to watch them build a home.

After coming home, we found that 5 more butterflies had emerged. We showed them some azalea flowers and they seemed to take a liking to them. Then we took a peek at the robin's nest we had found on Sunday and were able to catch this little guy desperate to eat!

Really a very neat day to get to witness so many things we usually never get a chance to experience.

This Boy!

2011-04-26T23:20:00.001-05:00

I find him climbing into, onto, and over EVERYTHING now... And pulling himself up to standing. He'll be running before he's one! He climbed into this seat by himself. I found him halfway in it, with knees and feet on the floor and thought "that's cute, he'll just play around like that". A minute later he was in it, tearing the lining out.

Then tonight, he helped himself up on his knees

...and then to standing! Not the first time but definitely stronger, more determined and more steady.

Are we ever going to have our hands full in a couple months!

Easter Egg Hunting

2011-04-26T22:56:00.001-05:00

In hot pursuit...

Pail full of treasure

A very special cache of eggs

Maisie Said...

2011-04-22T17:26:00.001-05:00

Love

2011-04-19T10:53:00.000-05:00

Speak

2011-04-18T16:29:00.013-05:00

You, Your voice

so subtle, so lush

You drip in to my cracks and gaps

fill them in with morning-light Life

You hum

My words

to express yours

not quite right

they smush and flatten

halt, herky-jerky

So I'll just listen

Speak

This poem was written for a ladies tea night, where everyone was to bring a poem on a specific subject. That night's subject was Holy Spirit. I was contemplating that place where you hear the Holy Spirit speaking to you, and try to communicate it to others, and how it's never really quite the same.

Introducing David

2011-04-16T19:43:00.004-05:00

Son. My beautiful son. My loving, loudly happy, growly, surprisingly strong, gift of a son. You were, and are, an outworking of His love, His patience for me, His unrelenting care to change me to a better person. For so long I resisted your life, not wanting to give up more of my own. Until He said "But I made you to be a great mother, and you are missing what I have for you". So I gave in, and here you are. What a shame had I persisted! What a loss for me, for Maisie and Daddy, for every person you will ever meet.

Two short hours in the shower on a Monday morning in late August and everything changed, again. Such a sharp and immediate contrast to just a day before. Overnight, Maisie was oldertallersmartersadderandneedier, but stronger, too. And happy. She loves you, so much.

I found myself saying, "How could I have forgotten how to change a diaper? Am I doing this right?" amazed that four long, slow, beautiful and difficult years could somehow be catapulted forward at an incredible speed as if I had been daydreaming that whole time and suddenly snapped back to reality by your 8lb, 14oz., life-depending-on-me self.

And there you stayed, just shy of 9lbs. And then dropped, and dropped, and dropped some more. I pleaded, I cried, I resented, I resisted. I couldn't believe He would help me learn to let go of control, again and again and again, this time through you. Didn't He know breastfeeding was best for you? 8lbs, 2oz at 16 weeks. Accepting the reality of your tiny, emaciated body because of my insistence, I regretted. But I let go and also learned to not judge myself. I stopped judging other moms. And you started to grow.

And grow you did. So heavy, son! So happy! You wake up with a scream and a smile every morning, excited to see your family, your world. You laugh, you growl and grunt, kick and crawl and flip, Busy Boy. Chunky thighs and rounded cheeks of smooth and perfect new skin. Little toes that curl and stretch, feet that search and find. Warm, soft and remarkably strong little fingers grasping and clutching, exploring everything and anything in reach. Drooling, scooching, fussing...A joy.

Almost 8 months to the day and I can't imagine life without you. I can't find that place that separates and measures my love for you and my love for Maisie. Such a fun boy. We waited 13 days for your name, worried and fretted feeling like nothing was right and how could we let you be here for so long with only "Baby"? Every day He said "Just wait, you'll know. Just relax, let go, trust Me. I know who he is. Just listen." And then it came. Daddy said "David?" Oddly I burst in to tears. We looked at each other and said "That's it." Beloved, dear one. Two years of learning to trust that He loves me, a tremendous shift in perspective that giving up more of my life to begin your own was not an act of obedience to have another, but a response of love to His love, a vision of you as a young toddler exuding love for me, for others, for life...David.

"What about a middle name?" I don't know, let's wait some more. "I think it's Andrew," Daddy said. I choked up, more tears. Strong Man. And strong you are, so strong. Painfully you punched me from inside as you explored. Knife-sharp pain, even as a fetus, that made me cry out, sit down. Now with body free from womb your strength only increases, you yank my hair, pinch my cheeks, bite my chin, twist so fast I hardly saw you move but you're facing the other way, traverse the house from one side to the other in minutes...Andrew.

Such a beautiful soul, a gift to us. I love watching you grow, son. I look forward to the satisfaction of remembering these years and those to come when I am fully gray and you have your own little lives to love.

Danger!

2011-04-16T19:02:00.001-05:00

With growth and maturity comes danger and risk. David is crawling and pulling up, so naturally very interesting things like electrical outlets, knives, heavy objects, beverages and many other potentially messy or hazardous items are now easily within reach. Would I keep him from crawling and pulling up, keep him from reaching and stretching and exploring in order to protect him from these things, or worse in order to save myself from having to deal with them or the consequences if I don't? Of course not. I love my son. I want him to grow, to be encouraged and learn natural consequences, learn to love exploration and investigation. What do we do, as adults, to stunt our own growth or the growth of our loved ones, our relationships with them, because we'd rather be preventative than adapt and risk the dangers?

The Second July Of Maisie's Life

2008-07-11T21:16:00.012-05:00

We gave her some balloons for her birthday. When she woke up from her nap, we came in with the balloons and sang "Happy Birthday" to her

She got a bike! And a helmet. She isn't allowed to ride without the helmet (even in the house)

Daddy helping her around on the bike

Waaaaaay zoned out after a nap

Somehow managing to eat some carrots in her semi-comatose state

Always a great helper

Domestic diva in the making!

Maisie and her across-the-street friend snuggling their babies

Maisie in her green "sweemeen soup" from Aunti Mel

Swimming in her splash pool

Taking a ride around the living room

May at our House

2008-06-01T15:04:00.008-05:00

It's been an eventful month in our home these closing weeks of May.
We bought a sprinkler attachment in the dollar bin at Target. Bargain? You bet!

Nana bought Maisie a sand and water cart. She hates the sand. I made her put her hands in it and she turned to me, palms out and fingers spread wide, "Help! Help!" She has issues with touching other things like bubbles and playdoh as well. They all make her gag. But she LOVES putting her hands in the water, and spinning the umbrella.

Cute little summer dress

The avocado incident (well, not THE avocado incident, more like the DAILY avocado incident)

The usual undies hat

Put pants on by herself for the very first time, she chose some "jammies". If you look, you'll notice the gash on her lip. The picture is a bit blurry but you can get an idea of what her cut was like. For those who don't know, she tripped and fell face-first into a lunch cooler and split her lip clean through from the outside to the inside, about and inch or so long. It came really close to going clear through the top of her lip and splitting her bottom lip clean in half, but we are so blessed, it didn't. By the time the suture tech in the ER finally got around to taking care of us (around 3am), the bottom half of the cut was already going back together so she only needed 2 stitches.

She put her "jammie pants" on over her regular pants

Rich's head wound + 9 staples - not for the faint of heart

Part way through the kitchen re-do: cabinets sanded, dishwasher being installed. If you look at the trim around the window, you'll notice how dark and orange it is. Try to imagine that on all the cabinets and you'll get a good idea of what our kitchen looked like. We are painting the window and the trim white, as well as the inside of the cabinets. They were "custom built" into the kitchen (read: "home made") and are particle board inside, so we don't have many options.

Splashin' Around

2008-04-05T23:26:00.005-05:00

It's been raining here a lot which led to many puddles around the yard, including this one.

Maisie created this sloshy mud puddle by jumping around in it for about 20 minutes. There was mud up the inside of her pant legs and down the inside of her boots. Yum.

Splashing in mud puddles led to this, a happily naked child splashing in a puddle created by the run off from rinsing her clothes and shoes off with the hose.

Some major puddle jumping going on!

All the outdoor splashing inevitably led to some more indoor splashing in a nice sudsy bath. She didn't quite know what to do with so many bubbles.

I did not pose this!

Cute little bubble beard

She was totally cracking me up!

Backyard Springtime

2008-04-05T23:17:00.003-05:00

Memphis' one snow of the year. It was a wonderful snow, very wet and heavy, perfect for snowballs, and about 5-6" fell!

Breba fig crop - not good to eat. They will grow, fall off and make way for the real crop - delicious!

Broccoli sprouts!

Mmmmm...Mint

A Happy Climber!

2008-04-05T22:59:00.004-05:00

Telling me something really funny about what she saw through her telescope

It's That Time Again

2008-04-04T09:47:00.011-05:00

And because it's that time again, my mind is amiss, and I can't think of anything highly clever to write, because I am otherwise preoccupied.

"What time is this?", you ask. It's spring cleaning time, among other things that usually go along with getting organized, cleaning up and clearing out.

We've made slow but steady progress in our lives with spring cleaning on many levels in many areas.

In our hearts and minds, God is bringing revelation and beginning a revolution, which I promise to write about if I get a moment (I have a very long list of all the things I need to do and that's not on there yet).

I've been trying to upload photos for 2 days. I managed to get a few up but have not been able to get the rest up. Hopefully blogger will let me do it soon because they are good pictures and I would love to share with you!

Spring is my very favorite season. There are things I can find to enjoy in every season but spring "fills up my senses" as that John Denver song goes. Not just with the life I see bursting out of things that have looked dead for so long, or the smell of blooming flowers, fresh grass and fresh air that the spring breezes bring, but even my skin feels the new life all around. The energy of it hums all around me and I swear I can actually feel it (for any curious inquisitors, I'm not subtly implying I'm pregnant). I wake up in the morning feeling satisfied and optimistic, even if we slept terribly, because I can't wait to look out the window and see how green and living everything is becoming.

And spring in the south is beautiful. I had never seen wisteria until I came here. My grandma (who passed away two years ago this coming week, one day shy of her 91st birthday) had a book on her shelf with a lilac cover, a collection of stories, titled "Mysterious Wisteria". It was mysterious to me because I'd never heard of it, so when I saw it for the first time about 5 years ago, drapey lilac blossoms spilling over fences along the road and its sweet scent expanding in the warm air, a small part of my little girl self felt complete, finally knowing what it was. Some people don't care for it but it has a special place with me.

Our neighbor decided to grow some up and over the fence that separates our backyards and it took off like a rocket. It climbs and twists and arches it's lovely brown vines, siding up to the garage and springing back across. Recently the flower clusters budded and popped. I can't wait for them to grow, to get heavy and droop like clusters of grapes, and spill their scent into the air. I will probably spend hours in the backyard just to smell them while they last.

Springtime in the south also includes blooming dogwoods. I had never seen this tree either until we moved here. The neighborhood we live in was built in the early 50s and at least every other property, probably more, have dogwoods in their yard. In the spring, little leaves bud and literally overnight the white or pink flowers show up and spread their petals. They are a neat flower that opens fairly flat, and the branches of the tree tend to fan out, making an awning of dogwood flowers to shelter under. They usually stay in bloom for two weeks or more, so there is lots of time to enjoy them.

I had seen fireflies before on a handful of occasions, one or two lit up and flitting around a yard at dusk. But in the south, out past the housing developments and shopping centers, into the more rural areas, you can see literal clouds of fireflies. It is probably one of the more amazing things we have seen in our life. One spring we happened to be living out in a rural area and on our way home one evening, we had to pull off the road to take it all in. In the purple gloaming, growing deeper and darker by the minute, thousands and thousands of fireflies hovered, buzzed, jumped and blinked in enormous cloud after enormous cloud, suspended over damp and dewy fields. We pulled on to the shoulder of the highway just before our exit and rolled down the windows for an unobstructed view. Our mouths truly fell open, neither of us had ever seen something like this. To top off the experience, the night-blooming jasmine had blossomed for the evening. It was intoxicating, very much like something you would read about in a fairy tale. We kept saying that we just couldn't believe something so incredible really existed. Every spring we usually try to make one or two trips out to that same spot to see if we can stumble into that same amazing moment again. We've never seen it quite like that very first time but it still makes our jaws drop. If I can get a picture of it, I will.

But for now, I must return to the tasks at hand. At the moment that means going through the refrigerator and pantry and getting rid of old things we don't eat. Not quite the drudgery it sounds like, though. I always find that cleaning things out leads me to thinking about old ways of thinking and believing that need to be found, examined, and possibly dumped. So on to practical things with deeper implications!

Jenn

Back Yard Climber

2008-04-03T09:51:00.003-05:00

These curls are totally natural!

Yes, she can climb a ladder, or scale any vertical surface with the slightest of footholds for that matter, completely unassisted. No, she's not yet 2.

Purple Puffy Coat

2008-04-03T09:18:00.003-05:00

Maisie insisted on going down the side porch steps by herself. She also decided she no longer needs to sit and scoot down the stairs but wanted to try just walking down them. She gravely miscalculated the distance between the last step and the driveway, and this is the unfortunate result. Where was I? Right behind her, hands full as we were intending on going for a walk and despite throwing everything down and reaching out for her, I couldn't catch her arm in time and she did a complete face plant with even a bit of a slide. I may have heard a screeching sound not unlike the sound of tires screeching to a halt. Poor baby. She's fine now, though, nary a scratch on her delicate, sweet little baby face.

She LOVES this purple puffy coat. If she sees it she insists on wearing it, inside or outside, day or night, clothing optional.

Rockin' the purple puffy coat

She looks so well dressed for outside play... Please take a look at the temperature on the thermometer on the garage. It was probably about 15 minutes later she asked me to help her take her coat off.

2008-02-09T00:58:00.000-06:00

I am experiencing a revolution and it is truly exciting!

Revolution
noun
1. a drastic and far-reaching change in ways of thinking and behaving; "the industrial revolution was also a cultural revolution"
2. the overthrow of a government by those who are governed
3. a single complete turn (axial or orbital); "the plane made three rotations before it crashed"; "the revolution of the earth about the sun takes one year

More to come....

2008-01-09T23:46:00.000-06:00

In the middle of saying "BIRD!"

"Move it or lose it, sister!"

This is not a doll, this is Ethan

Acting up for the camera

Christmas present from Tim and Paige

2008-01-09T23:44:00.000-06:00

They sent us a gift card for Target for Maisie's present, this is what we bought her (after seeing her duke it out with a friend over her play shopping cart)

Building her stamina for all those shopping sprees she'll undoubtedly want to have

ABBA + Quad City DJs = Maisie(Dancing)

2008-01-09T23:39:00.000-06:00

We have no idea where she got dance moves like this. Someone told us when I was still pregnant with her that she has a spirit of joy and dancing... We are definitely seeing that come to pass.

She learned how to say "again!" from watching Teletubbies.

A few shots with the new camera

2007-12-27T22:45:00.001-06:00

Christmas Eve and Morning

2007-12-27T22:31:00.000-06:00

Christmas Eve dinner prepared by Nana - This child LOVES meat! Roast beef, peas and rice, yum.

Maisie's stocking gift - a winter Elmo (also doubles as a phone)

Saint Nicholas' biggest helper (donning his new hand-made scarf)

Maisie trying out her new hair clip from Auntie Mel

Combination houka and coffee maker - also makes julienne fries!

I know, I know...

2007-12-20T22:38:00.000-06:00

It's been WAY too long. Life is busy. Rich's jobsite at Hope Pres (building the new sanctuary) is wrapping up so he's been working a lot. Maisie and I spend most of our days trying to keep the house clean and making good food. We also enjoy small doses of PBS programming like "It's a Big, Big World", "Word World", "Barney" (yes, it's true...but here's the worst) and "Teletubbies".

Horrendous, I know. But she loves these shows and the joy she exudes when she recognizes the characters and the songs (coupled with the free moments I get while she is enthralled with her on-screen friends) makes it very, very worthwhile.

I have been teaching French lessons which has really challenged my fluency and has been a lot of fun. Rich and I are on "hiatus" from music and leading worship, and just listening to God. At the moment, He's telling me I think much more highly of myself than I ought to but, for most of you, that probably comes as no surprise. Isn't it great to be free to know you're not perfect?

Maisie is an incredible little girl. We look at her every day and think "There's no way she's only 17 months old". She feels things very deeply and with very big emotions. She's expressive, lovely, and funny. She loves laughing, dancing, talking, exploring, climbing, trying new things and challenging herself to do things she finds interesting. She is so, so smart and is gaining a lot of momentum with language and communication. And she loves to go to sleep when she's tired. That's probably one of the things I appreciate the most about her right now. She will come to me and tell me that she's tired and it's time for bed. No fighting it, no crying, but insisting that I recognize she's tired and it's time for "night-night" (which she says, very clearly). She's an amazing little life and we are really beginning to enjoy her.

Here are some pictures of Maisie over the past couple months as the weather has begun to change (you can click on the pictures to enlarge them).

The wind in the trees will capture her attention and leave her still for minutes at a time

Riding her whip around the yard (whip is slang for car, for those of you in less "urban" areas)

If there's water, her hands are in it - her drinking glass, the dog's water bowl, you name it.

Our Beautiful Baby

The day she fought the cereal. The jury's still out on who won. It was a pretty even match.

In training to be a magician's assistant. Gotta start 'em young.

She was in the middle of telling me a story.

Hope you are doing well. Let us know!

End of Summer Cuties

2007-10-19T15:37:00.000-05:00

Last Day of Summer!

Maisie + Runa = BFF
(If you look closely you'll notice Maisie's lip is swollen and there's some blood on her shirt. She had fallen and punctured her lip with her tooth - AGAIN. Her bottom tooth went straight through her lip from the inside to the oustide. Lovely. Sadly, not the first time but, hopefully the last.)

Cruisin', Looking for trouble

Brennan and Lillian, our neighbors

These strange flowers blew in overnight from some exotic place. They grew all over Berclair but no one planted them and no one had them last year. While I was getting the front bed ready for fall, I found several more "bulbs" that never fully grew, just leaves that had sprouted, all huddled up around these three (which, incidentally, are now dead). Odd, but beautiful, it really made my weekend when they blossomed. We had to wait a few days after they sprouted to even see what they'd look like. One of the three in these pictures was just starting to bloom, that's what they all looked like for days. These aren't great shots. We were on our way out the door when I saw they had bloomed and I wanted to snap them quickly in case I didn't get a chance to later. I didn't, so, glad I got them!

Duets

2007-10-19T15:35:00.000-05:00

This might become a running theme in our house. These are a couple shots of Maisie and Rich's duet. She and Runa were playing together today, too, but I didn't get the camera in time.

In the 13th month of her life...

2007-08-21T22:32:00.000-05:00

We haven't updated our blog in a while because, as of late, it has become increasingly more difficult to photograph Maisie. Is it any wonder? She took her first solo steps July 23 and ever since is on the go, stopping only to sleep, and usually not then, either. She has just about mastered the skill of standing up "in the middle of nowhere" completely unassisted, and walking from there to anywhere she wants. She is great at regaining her balance, changing direction and going the distance. Within the next week or so she will likely be running everywhere and probably won't stop, even in her sleep. Wheee!!!

So, when we do try to take her picture, we usually get something like these first three as she books it across the room or tries to "do what mama is doing":

I love this one, it's a creepy kind of funny with her gappy little baby teeth and drooly mouth

A typical day around the house for Maisie, clothing optional of course! It has been above 100F for two weeks straight but even still, she's just so darn cute sans clothing

Cuteness and sweetness

This is what she does when we say "make a funny face, Maisie!"

She was in the middle of telling me a story - she babbles constantly. She even wakes up babbling

She is so good at roaring like a lion! Too good, in fact - she tries so hard she gags herself, it's hilarious

Escaping out the side of the chair

Working on those biped skills!

The last week of the first year of her life

2007-07-13T19:12:00.000-05:00

Maisie, the Monkey

2007-07-11T14:28:00.001-05:00

Climbing....

And making a mess! Happy Birthday Maisie!!!

What the cat dragged in.

2007-06-19T13:45:00.000-05:00

Well, we don't have a cat, but if we did, I suppose this is what might happen.

I found this riffraff rummaging through my kitchen

How did you get in here?

I followed her through the house

Rich - come and see what I found

"Hey wait," he said. "This one looks familiar..."

"Oh right - she's ours!"

GEH-TOH

2007-06-16T00:19:00.000-05:00

Rich and I ran to Burger King the other night for dinner. Normailly we don't eat out, except sometimes on Sundays. But this particular evening we were running late for something.

Usually when we grab a quick meal, we opt for something like Chick-Fil-A or Wendy's. But Burger King was the best option for us that night.

Now, we live in a particular area of town that is not recognized for its affluent neighborhoods, shopping district or design for outdoor activities. Berclair is a fairly low-income neighborhood and the houses, cars, strip malls and road conditions generally reflect that. Our local Burger King is no exception.

On one occasion, after we had just bought our house and were spending every weekend down here repainting the trim and walls before we moved in, we ate at our local BK and when we asked for ketchup were told they were all out.

Rich said (to me and not to our drive-through employee) "How can you be out of ketchup? You're a fast food restaurant! It's morally irresponsible for you to be out of ketchup!"

Apparently, whoever is in charge of inventory and ordering has a really difficult time with the concept of supply and demand, because when we went there a few nights ago, not only were they out of ketchup (again), but side salads (which was the one menu item that made us decide to eat there that night), Coca Cola, AND Sprite.

Now, I'm not really complaining. It is a privilege to be able to eat out, to have the resources and the luxury to not have to cook for yourself.

But I just can't believe that a store that consistently runs out of staple menu items is still in business.

We often find that in the south, things can be done half-assed and it's "good enough for here".

I really hate that attitude.

As my mind tends to do, this experience led me to once again consider the affect of poverty on a community. I think in most other neighborhoods, a fast food restaurant would be shut down for such flimsy operating. But in Berclair, they can get away with it because it's "good enough". People don't really complain, they just accept that it's just "that way", and unfortunately it applies to more than just a meal out.

Our local grocery store just sucks. I'm torn because I want to support our community and put money back in to it by purchasing locally (although, driving 5 miles to the very wealthy and upscale sister store in the Jewish community could still be considered local) but they rarely have everything I shop for, and I don't shop for much. Our local store seems to get the last of the produce from the warehouse, and stocks most of what we don't need. I'd like to take it up with managment but they really don't seem to care. And, sad to say, it's easier to just drive 5 miles away to the store that is always shiny and clean, and always staffed with employees who greet you, smile at you, acknowledge you and help you.

It's hard to believe that two of the same stores can be so drastically different just because of their geographical location, and hard to believe that in a matter of a few miles the economic gap can be so wide.

fun and exciting!

2007-05-30T20:13:00.001-05:00

Breaking It Down

2007-05-26T17:09:00.000-05:00

Rich said my post "It pisses people off" is too well written and not simple enough to be perfectly clear, that it came off as defensive, which is not the tone I wrote it in, so I'll break it down:

*I have had prejudice thoughts that I have shared with others and ignored for too long, hoping they would go away, that I would just one day wake up an not feel them, that I would get over them

*Watching the movie "Crash" almost a year ago was a catalyst for me becoming acutely aware of those thoughts and no longer able to ignore them

*One Friday night a few month ago, an incident on the way home unlocked the door for all that ugliness to come through and finally be dealt with

*God has dealt tenderly and swiftly with my heart and my thoughts

*I know that I am not alone in the thoughts I had and wanted to post a challenging blog so that others might become aware of their prejudices and be motivated to deal with them in their own life

*I am deeply saddened and frustrated for being misunderstood by people I dearly love, and don't know how I could possibly make my heart more transparent and vulnerable on this issue

Thanks again, to all the people who continue to contact me, call me, speak to me about your reactions to this whole process. It is so encouraging and the more we talk about it, the more we change our mindset, our world view, and the more we are able to alter cultural patterns that are unacceptable yet unfortunately rarely dealt with

2007-05-25T23:49:00.000-05:00

Tiffany works at a strip club

2007-05-24T23:58:00.000-05:00

waiting tables, trying to make enough tips to get a place to stay for the night. Her fiance Chris is from Chicago and watches their 6 month old baby Christian while she works the night shift. They live in their car or wherever they can find a place to crash.

They walked past our house yesterday and needed a lot of help so we helped them. Tiffany and Christian came inside to get out of the heat while Rich and Chris fixed a flat tire on their car. Christian has terrible asthma that they were told to just "wait and see if he grows out of it". They just can't get any firm ground to stand on. Tiffany's mom died a year ago from a botched surgery and now her 11 year old brother is in custody of her crack-smoking dad. She wants to make enough money to get a place to live so she can get custody of her brother. Tiffany just turned 18.

She called me last night at 10:15 and without asking, asked if they could stay at our house for the night. I just couldn't bring myself to offer it to her. How much is too much? I wrestled with it for a good two hours. I prayed with her on the phone and stayed up looking for shelter information. They can't stay at the homeless shelter because it closes its doors at 7 pm and she works at the club from 7 to 3am or sometimes even 6am. On slow nights like last night, she'd only made $3 in as many hours and just didn't know what they were going to do.

She said she would call me today. I had a place for her to go but I never heard from her or Chris. They don't have a phone so, I just have to wait.

I don't know if they'll ever call us back. We know God put them in our path. I just keep hoping that I didn't ruin any future of helping them with turning them down last night.

It Pisses People Off

2007-05-24T19:16:00.000-05:00

I have removed my blog about racism.

Of all the people who were bold enough to respond to it, either by posting a response or talking to me face to face, literally half of you were angry (some angry enough to say you never want to speak to me again) and the other half of you thanked me for being open about these issues.

Rereading over that blog today, I myself was taken aback by what I wrote, which is a testimony to how my openess allowed me to see the prejudice in my own heart, to confront it, to deal with it.

For those of you who thanked me, I applaud you because somehow, you read between the lines and grasped the point I made so subtly, however unintentional that subtlety was. At the time I wrote that blog, I was reactionary but truly believed that the heart of what I was getting at was being made clear. It was not.

For those of you who were angered by my post, I applaud you for responding honestly to what you read and how it affected you.

But now I have a response for you. There are some of you who I feel still have a sore spot about that blog, despite my most dedicated efforts to explain my heart of hearts to you. If you feel singled out by what I'm saying, then you are probably one of those people (but trust me, there are more than one of you).

Your reaction has made me feel like I have committed a most unforgivable sin. After rereading my post, I understand how easily my point was missed and how hurtful and angering were the words that I wrote. However, I have explained myself at length and now want to challenge you.

Had I committed any other sin, would it be less difficult to forgive me and love me?

Was the shock too great that someone you know and have called "friend", some of you even "sister", would have such awful, arrogant, blind, self-righteous thoughts?

Was the candid honesty of what was in my head so unexpected that you still can't get past the words I wrote and see what is truly in my heart?

I want to shout to you at the top of my lungs, with hot tears streaming down my cheeks "GUESS WHAT - I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE!"

I'm not the only who has had these thoughts or spoken those words, however hushed the conversations may have been. Would it surprise you to learn that many other people you know have shared these thoughts with me? Would you believe that we all acknowledged the wrongness of those thoughts, even though it was left at that?

I am tired of ignoring these prejudices in my own life, and my button-pushing blog was a result of one experience that God used to open up this ugly issue, to confront it, to deal with it in my own heart, and to challenge others to do the same.

If you still have not grasped the truth of me trying to openly address my prejudice so that others may be challenged to do the same thing, with a common purpose of tearing down those walls and changing thought patterns and attitudes, then I will say to you that you have your own strong holds to deal with.

Prejudice is a sin. But is it unforgivable? Is any sin greater than another?

If you don't know or believe how much I truly love those of you who were angered by my post, if you don't know or believe how God has torn down the strongholds of my prejudice in my own heart, then you don't know me as well as I'd like you to.

I am here, open to talk about where I'm at, what I feel, the process God is taking me through and the desires in my heart He is making me aware of to make enormous change.

So now it's up to you to deal with what was sparked in your heart by my blog, and to pursue forgivness - not for my sake, I know where I stand with God, but for your own sake, to be released from what angered you and find the freedom to join with me to change cultural patterns that have been so long-established.

Whoever you are, I love you.

Thanks, I needed that.

2007-05-23T17:51:00.000-05:00

Recently Maisie has begun to laugh at what seems to be nothing but must just be her own cuteness. Here she is, feeling rather pleased and happy with herself.

Lesson Learned:

2007-05-23T14:49:00.000-05:00

Showing Maisie what is in her diaper after she poos may be too exploratory of an experience for her at such a young age. Yes, that's poo on her face.

She'd never seen her poo before and I thought she might be interested to see the product of all that huffing and puffing she does. She was quite intereseted. Unfortunately, her ability to crawl on the bed is not quite as great as her interest in her diaper contents and she was unable to stop herself from toppling over and smushing her face into it. Can't say I don't let her explore!

Memphis Botanic Gardens, May 2007

2007-05-18T22:25:00.000-05:00

i can't sleep

2007-05-16T23:19:00.000-05:00

rich read me a headline today that said a piece of antartica the size of the state of california broke off into the ocean. someone i used to trust told me several years ago that there is no such thing as global warming, that it was propaganda of the secular world. i think they were so wrong. i watched a PBS special several weeks ago about the gulf coast and one of the people interviewed, whose job is to preserve the coast line, said that maps of the US are completely outdated, that the outline of the coast is totally changed from what has been printed on maps for so long, because of erosion caused by warmer temperatures and rising water.

i'm lying in bed, trying to fall asleep when, inevitably, i begin thinking about things that are beyond my measley ability and influence to change. global warming, terrorism, poverty, class, racism, modern slavery.

people are so much more aware and active (as in activists) than it seems people were even just a few years ago. celebrities like bono and george clooney, and so many others, do such a good job of trying to bring awareness to these issues and are using their resources to turn the key and start the ignition for change. but most of the time it seems like the ignition of this modern day vehicle is barely turning over. their efforts turn the key but there is rarely a moment of engagement and we certainly aren't started and ready for action. what will it take? how long will it take?

what the hell is wrong with the world? what is wrong with people? why have we lived so long for ourselves? millenia of selfishness and blind arrogance are snowballing.

what kind of world will Maisie grow up in? will it survive long enough for her to have children? would it even be a world that she would want to raise children in?

day to day life seems so normal and just what we expect from our western, affluential, safe lives. but what is really going beyond the scheduled lives we lead on a daily basis? is all this trauma and drama really happening? if it is, why aren't we doing more to change it? why isn't it more important to us? have we "entertained ourselves to death" (Neil Postman) so that we are numb, deaf, blind, impotent to the need around us - the need of our neighbors both downtown and across the ocean, the need of our planet?

i believe "the earth is the Lord's and everything therein" and i believe that "God saw all that He had made, and it was very good". i don't believe He's a divine "watchmaker" who put some gears together and sat back to watch it run it's course. but the only relief from the human condition is Jesus coming back, and sometimes that seems like something that will never happen. i believe that the earth and the heavens will be renewed with fire and i wonder if this is all part of the process.

i just can't believe that the human condition has caused so much damage, and that we seem to be so slow to realize and recognize it, and even slower to stop it and change it. "Oh the humanity" has never been less humorous.

i want to be optimistic, i want to have hope, i want to make a difference. but tonight i just want to cry. i know tomorrow i will wake up and it will seem like a faint memory, and i will go about my normal routine with Maisie and enjoy the sunshine and quietness of weekday living in the suburbs. but underneath i know the world is churning in all it's turmoil and fitfulness. i want things to change, and want to be part of it but, again, i feel so small and incapable.

i have to trust that "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." (2 Peter 3:9)

Buster's In Boulder

2007-04-30T16:02:00.000-05:00

So, I watch some PBS kid's programming during the day. It helps give Maisie something to do or look at while I try to make something to eat or go to the bathroom.

One program that's on right now is called "Postcards From Buster". He's the rabbit from the "Arthur" stories. In the show he travels around all over the US and learns about new places and people. He's an animated rabbit taking home videos of live people. A pretty cool concept.

Anyway, the episode airing today is in Boulder, CO, my hometown.

He's taping all these places I grew up and identify with as "me" and "self". Looking out my window and seeing that I'm still in Memphis I feel out of place, homesick, disappointed. I wish Maisie could see Boulder. I wish she could grow up in that environment. I wish Rich could see all the places that I grew up that make me "me".

I love our community. But we need a holiday. And Boulder sure is looking good.

Miss you Boulder.

Who Wants To Be My Pimp?

2007-04-30T15:16:00.000-05:00

Apparently the guy driving his pimped out hoopty through our neighborhood does.

He doesn't live here. I've never seen him around here hanging out at anyone's house. I've never seen that car drive by on any of our streets. Our quiet little neighborhood is almost entirely older couples that have lived here since the neighborhood was built in the 50's or young families like ours. This guy was WAY out of place.

Maisie and I were on the last stretch of our walk which zigzags through the four blocks that make up our little neighborhood in Berclair. Maisie was totally zonked out in the stroller. People rarely drive by on our walks because most everyone in the neighborhood is at work, unless they are retirees or stay at home moms, like myself.

I was enjoying the fresh air and peaceful noon-time sun when I heard a car coming up behind us. I was walking in the street to help keep Maisie asleep so I moved over toward the sidewalk. The car slowed down and rolled along at pace with me. I looked over to see a young guy smiling at me.

"Hey" I said.

"I knowz whe' yoo goin'" he said, still smiling.

"Oh yeah? Where?" I thought this should be interesting.

"You walkin' that bay-beh". Not as profound as I had hoped.

"Yep" I acknowledged.

"You want my help?" he said offering me a ride in his hoopty.

"Nope, thanks, I'm fine".

"Ok" he said, still keeping pace with me and smiling.

"I like your car" What the hell did I just say? I am such an idiot. I ALWAYS feel like I have to say something to make sure people know I'm not mean and that I didn't hurt their feelings.

He looked at me with a different kind of smile. "Whe' yo man at?"

"He's at work" I said, no longer smiling.

"Oh, a'right". He finally sped up and drove away.

All at once I felt like laughing, I felt angry, I felt vulnerable, I felt like a mother bear.

I wished I had paid more attention to the details of his car so I could report it. I wished I didn't always feel like I had to put people at ease, especially when THEY are the ones making things awkward. I wished I had asked him point-blank what he was doing and what he was trying to get out of me. I wished the whole exchange had never happened.

Did he just happen to see me walking as he drove by on the main road and decided I looked like a vulnerable girl he could get in to his car? Had he been following me for a while and I was unaware of it? How could he really think I might possible take him up on his offer?

I am so grateful he wasn't pushy, that he didn't stop his car and get out, that he apparently decided I wasn't going to play his game and he should move on to someone else.

But I am way pissed off. Way.

The line in my head and my heart between prejudice and the need to feel safe as a women walking my daughter in the middle of the day on a quiet street of our family-filled neighborhood is very unclear. Should I have handled the situation differently? Should I be reacting differently, either to one extreme or the other? Why can't I feel sure about the way I did handle it and the way I am reacting? Am I becoming hypersensitive to offense?

Blah.

The First Step To Breaking The Cycle

2007-04-27T14:36:00.001-05:00

James 2

A Warning against Prejudice

1 My dear brothers and sisters, how can you claim to have faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ if you favor some people over others?
2 For example, suppose someone comes into your meeting dressed in fancy clothes and expensive jewelry, and another comes in who is poor and dressed in dirty clothes. 3 If you give special attention and a good seat to the rich person, but you say to the poor one, “You can stand over there, or else sit on the floor”—well, 4 doesn’t this discrimination show that your judgments are guided by evil motives?

5 Listen to me, dear brothers and sisters. Hasn’t God chosen the poor in this world to be rich in faith? Aren’t they the ones who will inherit the Kingdom he promised to those who love him? 6 But you dishonor the poor! Isn’t it the rich who oppress you and drag you into court? 7 Aren’t they the ones who slander Jesus Christ, whose noble name you bear?

8 Yes indeed, it is good when you obey the royal law as found in the Scriptures: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 9 But if you favor some people over others, you are committing a sin. You are guilty of breaking the law.

10 For the person who keeps all of the laws except one is as guilty as a person who has broken all of God’s laws. 11 For the same God who said, “You must not commit adultery,” also said, “You must not murder.” So if you murder someone but do not commit adultery, you have still broken the law.

12 So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. 13 There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.

Faith without Good Deeds Is Dead

14 What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? 15 Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, 16 and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do?
17 So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.

18 Now someone may argue, “Some people have faith; others have good deeds.” But I say, “How can you show me your faith if you don’t have good deeds? I will show you my faith by my good deeds.”

19 You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. 20 How foolish! Can’t you see that faith without good deeds is useless?

21 Don’t you remember that our ancestor Abraham was shown to be right with God by his actions when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? 22 You see, his faith and his actions worked together. His actions made his faith complete. 23 And so it happened just as the Scriptures say: “Abraham believed God, and God counted him as righteous because of his faith.” He was even called the friend of God. 24 So you see, we are shown to be right with God by what we do, not by faith alone.

25 Rahab the prostitute is another example. She was shown to be right with God by her actions when she hid those messengers and sent them safely away by a different road. 26 Just as the body is dead without breath, so also faith is dead without good works.

Does the Cycle End?

2007-04-27T13:40:00.001-05:00

i'm asking myself this after a rabbit trail of thoughts.

it all started two days ago. i watched Pride & Prejudice, a movie i dearly love. for those who are not so enamoured with Jane Austen or classic love stories, it essentially is a story of one woman from a certain class (economic status) and a man from a much higher class falling in love, her pride and his prejudice.

fortunately for her, Elizabeth Bennet (the main character) was born into a decent class, but from those in higher classes her position in society was not very desirable, especially when it came to marriage and joining families from different classes.

what got me thinking about the cycle was a very unobtrusive thing i saw while watching the extras on the DVD. one of the extras was about Jane Austen, how she was ahead of her time as an author. there was a shot of her signature which, incidentally starts with the same letter as mine. i remember always feeling like i had poor hand writing and wanting to be able to sign my name in the style of handwriting that Jane Austen and so many others used during that time period.

what i realized is that handwriting from that time period was so beautiful, consistent and precise because people wrote more slowly. they had time to sit and be very deliberate about the strokes they made. women had time to sit and learn to sew, to draw, to study the "modern" languages, to play piano-forte, to read and to write. well, women born into a good class had time to become "accomplished" as it was called.

so, i thought, what of the women (and men) who didn't have time to become accomplished? they were the girls and boys who came from lower class families. girls who had to work as seamstresses, cooks, house maids, au-peres (nannies), if they were lucky enough to be hired by an upperclass family. some girls didn't have that good fortune and took positions in some of the lowest classes of society, just to be able to buy some stale bread to eat (i'm thinking of Charlie and the Chocolate factory, how Charlie's mom washed laundry for a living and the family was eating cabbage soup for the 5th or 6th day in a row and it was basically watered down-watered down left over cabbage soup). these women and men never had time to sit and learn to write. they came from families with little or no money, which led them into a life of work instead of education, and the work they did never got them ahead in life, but only kept them alive for that day. with no time for education, they never got better jobs, never made more money, never had any hope of being anything more than what they were, unless they defied the odds, like Elizabeth Bennet, and married into a higher class (which, as a side note, is why the story is such a classic. Elizabeth Bennet found love and defied the odds).

all this makes me ask: where the heck in history did class begin? it's not new and it's still the structure of society today. who decided what was valuable and who was allowed to have it? when did people begin dividing themselves into class? was it when greed and pride caused a man to horde what was valuable and overpower people to become a king? how far back does class go?

why hasn't it changed? if we know that class division is wrong and that the value of a human life has nothing to do with possessions or education, why are we still living in a world that functions based on class?

i know it has to do with expectations. people in lower classes aren't treated with the expectation that they can be more, and sadly it seems rare that a person from a lower class defies the expectation and breaks into a higher class.

i thought capitalism was supposed to be the american dream? everyone gets a slice of the pie, everyone gets to make his own way and find his dream and get rich. well, when everyone is looking out for number one and when our lives are based on and fueled by profit, people are going to get stepped on and trodded upon until they are under the shoes of someone else.

when does it end? how does it end? is it possible to end the cycle of class, of poverty, of materialism, of gain for self without regard for any other life? if capitalism isn't the answer, could it be communism, where every person is regarded equally? i think the former soviet union is an adequate response to that.

no structure of society ever devised or schemed by mankind will ever be the answer because we are deeply flawed. the human condition is that we exist for ourselves, we live for number one, we choose and fight for the right to be our own individual person, separate from others, more important than others.

is there any hope for change? unless we be changed thoroughly, completely, wholly and totally into a new creation by the Spirit of the One who raised Jesus from the dead, there is no hope for change. even then, we still struggle in these time worn bodies to make an existance for ourselves.

changing our mindset about what is important and what makes people valuable is the first step, and can only be accomplished by living from the inner sanctuary of the soul where God dwells, viewing our world and our earthly companions in the glow of His holy light. but change in perspective is useless if we don't make tangible and practical changes.

i was going to quote a verse from James 2 about faith being dead and useless without works, but really, the entire chapter is fitting.

but considering all this, i feel so small, so helpless, so hopeless. i am one person, less educated than most, living at a financial level considered "low class", and raising a baby. what means could i possible have to make any impact or change whatsoever that could affect humanity? the answers and solutions are so enormous. i feel so lame.

Maisie vs. Yogurt

2007-04-26T15:28:00.000-05:00

Picnic time for Maisie Boos

2007-04-26T15:23:00.000-05:00

Vodka, anyone?

Just kidding!

Fun With Her Walker

2007-04-26T14:49:00.001-05:00

2007-03-29T12:42:00.001-05:00

The Inner Sanctuary of the Soul

2007-03-29T08:41:00.000-05:00

I'm reading "A Testament of Devtion" by Thomas Kelly when I can't sleep at night, which is fairly often, and I just have to post from it because it is so provoking.

"In this humanistic age we suppose man is the initiator and God is the responder. But the Living Christ within us is the initiator and we are the responders. God the Lover, the accuser, the revealer of light and darkness presses within us. 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'"

- Yes Jesus, knock. Pound urgently. Beat upon that door until I can bear it no more and rush to fling it wide open, and your Holy Light burst in and illuminates everything inside, and your sweet and burning scent overtakes every cubic inch of air, and I will soak up Your light, I will breath in Your scent. Knock Jesus, knock, without hesitation or reservation, on Rich's heart, on Maisie's heart, on my mom and my brother and my sister's heart, on my whole family's heart and on my friends' hearts, on the hearts of the human race. Knock, Jesus. You are welcome here and I love the sound of your fist upon my heart, your desire to come in, to be present, to reside.

"And all our apparent initiative is already a response, a testimonial to His secret presence and working within us.

"The basic response of the soul to the Light is internal adoration and joy, thankfulness and worship, self-surrender and listening. The secret places of the heart cease to be our noisy workshop.

- The secret places of my heart are so noisy with irritating and mindlessly repetitive obsessive-compulsive like thoughts, worries, planning, arrogance and self-impressiveness. Where is the eternity in my heart?

"They become a holy sanctuary of adoration and self-oblation [making an offering], where we are kept in perfect peace, if our minds be stayed on Him who has found us in the inward springs of our life. And in brief intervals of overpowering visitation we are able to carry the sanctuary frame of mind out into the world, into its turmoil and fitfulness, and in a hyperaesthesia of the soul, we see all mankind tinged with deeper shadows, and touched with Galilean glories. Powerfully are the springs of our will moved to an abandon of singing love toward God; powerfully are we moved to a new and overcoming love toward time-blinded men and all creation. In this Center of Creation all things are ours, and we are Christ's and Christ is God's. We are owned men, ready to run and not be weary and to walk and not faint.

"But the light fades, the will weakens, the humdrum returns. Can we stay this fading? No, and we should not try, for we must learn the disciplines of His will, and pass beyond this first lesson of His Grace. But the Eternal Inward Light does not die when ecstacy dies [when the wonderful and "hyperaesthesia of the soul" from experiencing moments of inward intimacy with God fades], nor exist only intermittantly, with the flickerings of our psychic states. Continuously renewed immediacy, not receding memory of the Divine Touch, lies at the base of religious living. Let us explore together the secret of a deeper devotion, a more subterranean sanctuary of the soul, where the Light Within never fades, but burns, a perpetual Flame ... The 'bright shoots of everlastingness' can become a steady light within, if we are deadly in earnest in our dedication to the Light, and are willing to pass out of first stages into maturer religious living.

**"Only if this is possible can the light from the inner sanctuary of the soul be a workaday light for the marketplace, a guide for perplexed feet, a recreator of cultural-patterns for the race of mankind."**

My Neighbor Lily

2007-03-29T08:40:00.000-05:00

I take Maisie for a walk pretty much every day. We generally take the same route every time. Two days ago we were out on our typical way, a street over from ours. A lady I'd met one time before came out of her house, I'm pretty sure she saw me coming and decided she wanted to talk. She had previously called Maisie a boy and I didn't correct her. I didn't figure I'd see her again. When she came out this time, she did it again. I wheeled Maisie in her stroller up the lady's driveway to chat, where she realised she was a girl. Lily, as she later introduced herself, is fairly old. Probably late 70s but it might be more accurate to guess in her 80s. She kept mentioning various boyfriends she'd had throughout her life and never mentioned a husband...

Anyway, she remarked on how beautiful Maisie is, as people often (ok, ALWAYS) do and said she would probably be tall, could probably be Miss America one day. Lily asked if I'd watched the show the night before.

"No, but I saw that Miss Tennessee won" I said with feigned enthusiasm.

"Yeah, I can't believe it. She was a mixed girl". I couldn't believe THAT.

"Oh, I know, she was BEAUTIFUL!" I said genuinely, acting like I didn't catch what she meant.

This led in to a racial slur-laden conversation about physical appearance, the other black Miss America contestant, beauty and ugliness. Some of what she said was so insulting, I couldn't believe she wasn't even bothered by it. Most people, including the older man we ran into this past Saturday at the yard sale, will lower their voice because they know what they are saying is inappropriate, but Lily just let loose.

I am angry that people remark on Maisie's loveliness and then slander black people. I feel like her beauty is maligned with their ignorance and predjudice. Then again, it so far has provided me two opportunities to challenge some probably life-long predjudices and maybe provoke some inner change in those people.

Lily said something awful about black people being ugly. Even as I type this I'm uncomfortable and angry. I said "Oh, I don't think so."

"You don't?" she asked with a raised eyebrow, waiting for me to explain.

"I don't know how anyone can call ANYONE ugly. We're all made by God. That's like telling God He didn't do a good enough job. Do you feel comfortable doing that?"

Her answer was unexpected. "Even God's own son was ugly."

"I don't think so. Where does it say that"

"Isaiah 53." I was surprised - she even listed the verse.

I answered "Well, it says there was nothing about him that would draw our attention to him. That doesn't mean he was ugly" (and I thought later, that had Jesus been ugly, that would have drawn people's attention to him...I guess he was one of those faces you just sort of forget, unless of course you actually came within earshot of him. You would probably never forget that encounter). "Well, anyway" I continued, "I can tell you he sure as heck wasn't white."

"Oh really?" Lily said.

"If he was from Israel, he looked like what people from Israel look like, and it isn't blonde hair and blue eyes and white skin."

She didn't really seem phased by that. We talked for a little while longer and I pointed out the back of our house across the ditch and over from her driveway. She seems sort of lonely.

It's quite obvious that these two encounters are not random chance. I'm a bit bothered that it seems that God has seen fit to use Maisie's beauty to bring about situations to challenge people. But, she is His first, then mine. I hope I can teach her to see the beauty of God's handiwork.

Some pictures I took...Please don't yank these for profit

2007-03-24T15:34:00.000-05:00

Not that I think they are that amazing but...anyway

We have a beautiful daughter

2007-03-24T15:30:00.000-05:00

A Not-Coincidence

2007-03-24T15:06:00.000-05:00

So today is Saturday. I've been wrestling with my thoughts for hours. This morning some friends in our area had a yard sale so we put Maisie in the stroller and walked over (about a mile away). We were there for a while, chatting. A little while before we left an older man pulled up to come and look over the things out for sale. I was holding Maisie and as he was looking around, he stopped, came over to me and said "Oh, it's good to see a white baby".

"What?" I said, partially because he was mumbling and I was hoping against hope that was not what he really said, partially because I couldn't believe he would dare to say something like that, partially because I wanted him to repeat it, hoping he would hear what an ass he sounded like.

"I said it's good to see a little white baby out here". My friend looked at me in disbelief, mouth gaping with lack of words.

My adrenaline started flowing. I wanted to to provoke him so that I might have a chance to show him that just because we were white doesn't make us racists. So I said "I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean".

He said "Well, you know, it's just that every baby you see is either a little black baby or a little mixed baby".

I WANTED TO CHOKE HIM. I wanted to tell him "You make me sick".

I just half-laughed with disbelief and said "They're people, too, you know."

I felt weak, ineffective, dumb (as in not being able to speak).

Maybe it did something, maybe it didn't.

Then Rich and I decided to take a different way home. One of the things that irks me most about Memphis, and would likely irk me in other cities if we lived in an older part of the city, is that there are SO many streets that start one place, end at an intersection and zig zig up a block or two, or end completely and start again four streets over, with no connection in between. So began our journey home.

We intended to take a certain street all the way back. First we ended up going in a circle because the street we were on curved around to another street we had been near. Then we walked a block, zig zagged another block, walked two more blocks, and the road disappeared. After a series of irritating turns in an attempt to find where the street picks up again, we ended up on Macon. Everyone in Berclair knows that street divides this area between the "good" side of the street and the "bad". Well, at least as far as real estate goes. In actuality, it's not entirely true. We know people that live "on the north side of Macon" (tremble) and it is not bad.

The actual road of Macon, however, has some rundown and dingy blocks. So there we found ourselves walking, another not-coincidence. It was a challenge to me. Being the minority is uncomfortable. Please, this was not "the white girl finally getting a sense of what it's like". It's not the first time. I just wish that it wasn't an issue. Why does what's different from us have to scare us - both the majority being scared of the minority as well as the minority being afraid of the majority?

Why do people settle for the easy solution like mob-mentality instead of thinking for themselves, seeing clearly and loving well? Why are we so paralyzed to face fears that don't risk our lives or cause physical harm? Why are we so apathetic?

I really feel like poverty and expectations are the real issues. Why is it 2007 and these still haven't been addressed?

I don't have answers.

Maisie is almost crawling!

2007-02-22T18:58:00.000-06:00

Here's a short clip of her wiggling across the rug!

Some days in the life of Maisie

2007-02-22T18:51:00.000-06:00

Maisie in the twilight zone, a typical diaper change, hanging out with Dustin who helps me during the week, and asleep in the backpack with daddy

2007-02-22T18:40:00.000-06:00

Food processors

2007-02-22T18:28:00.000-06:00

are great for making homemade carrot cakes. You can actually making everything - the whole batter, shredded carrots and all, and the cream cheese frosting, all in the work bowl - beauty!

I've known Rich for 4 years, three of those married, and each year since we've been married, I've attempted to make his favorite cakes for his birthday, #27 was this past Sunday. The first year it was maple walnut chiffon, last year was apple dapple cake, and this year, carrot. Next year I think I will have to attempt an ice cream cake. I will probably just buy one. But I'm pretty proud of this year's so here are some pictures of it... Everyone we had over for lunch loved it so, I guess it turned out well.

Say goodbye...

2007-02-22T15:53:00.000-06:00

...to gummy grins. Maisie cut her first tooth yesterday (February 21) These are the last pictures taken of her sans les dents, or more accurately avant les dents. I think she's got skills to be a DJ - she's practicing scratching her little wheel like a turntable.

Tagged

2007-02-18T21:58:00.000-06:00

whoopity doo!

A- Available or married? Joyfully and satisfactorily married
B- Best Friend? Rich, really
C- Cake or Pie? Cake
D- Drink of Choice? Dr Pepper, nectar of the gods
E- Essential Item? Tooth brush - definitely
F- Favorite Color? gray
G- Gummi Bears or Worms? gummi worms or regular worms?
H- Hometown? boulder, colorado
I- Indulgence? chocolate
J- January or February? huh?
K- Kids & names? yes, Maisie
L- Life is incomplete without? God and community
M- Marriage Date? which one? June 12, 2003 "legal", August 09, 2003 "official"
N- Number of Siblings? 4
O- Oranges or apples? apples
P- Phobias/Fears? bears and mountain lions, fires, tornadoes, my husband or baby getting sick, hurt or dying, getting trapped in a car underwater
Q- Favorite Quote? this are of my brain is on vacation right now (that's not a quote)
R- Reason to Smile? love
S- Season? Spring - hasten thyself!!
T- Tag three people! Duane and Karen, Andy and Mandy, Corine
U- Unknown fact about me: i love the feeling of my hair when i run it across and under my fingernails (weird fact, i know)
W- Worst habit? chocolate and dr pepper
Y- Your favorite food? food
Z- Zodiac? virgo

sweetness captured

2007-01-01T23:47:00.000-06:00

bonjour 2007!

2007-01-01T23:30:00.000-06:00

we had a great time last night. we had a new year's eve brunch at church and after we came home, Maisie actually played by herself long enough for us to eat some snacks and enjoy some very missed alone time.

later we picked up one of our closest friends, brett, at the airport. he had gotten in from spending the holiday with his family and seeing his brother get married (in canada, too, eh). we drove him to his house where, for the past 3 years there has been a new year's eve party. one of his roommates had spent the afternoon whipping up some lovely appetizers and hors d'oeurves or however that's spelled (i should know, too! tisk tisk)

we had a good time chatting with friends and snacking. around 10p we headed out to our end of town and to our friend's house. they had had some people over for a fancy dinner earlier in the evening and when we got there they were just sitting back and enjoying some really nice hors d'o...whatevers, like infused olive oil and crusty bread for dipping, brie and strawberries, olives, and much more. we have not spent time with the people there for such a long time, it was bittersweet - bitter because of the time we've missed getting closer to them, and sweet to finally be with them again. we played a game called loaded questions (like, "if you could have cosmetic surgery on any part of your body, what would it be") and then who ever has the turn has to listen to one person read everyone's answers and try to guess who said what... i got that question, so every answer i felt like i was saying "well, this is wrong with you so you must have said it" YIKES! i'm glad they love me.

we all counted down the new year and toasted with kisses with our honeys (and kisses from us to Maisie, too, who was still awake) and a glass of champagne with a strawberry in it... it was a really lovely, relaxed, truly enjoyable evening. the best way i can imagine to end one year and begin a new one.

maisie went to sleep shortly after that and actually stayed asleep in our friends bedroom, even after we picked her up and drove home, that was such a blessing, to be able to enjoy that time finishing up the game and hanging out without her fussing.

good times.

hope you all had a good time too.

peace

WE HAVE PROOF!!

2006-12-31T18:20:00.000-06:00

Maisie does actually smile! I love her beautiful face

beauty and example, inheritance, and thoughtfulness

2006-12-31T17:25:00.000-06:00

*beauty and example*
so, in "sionara 2006" i neglected to mention a few things that have happened in the past week (sleep deprivation will do that to you). first, my mom came to visit for about 10 days which was wonderful. we are building a friendship which i did not know was possible to have with your mom. i look forward to talking to her on the phone and look forward to her visiting. this is new for me and it is a beautiful thing. while she was here this time she purchased a grill for Rich for christmas, and a food processor for me. she has such a giving heart. i remember one time, before she was a christian, she was driving in the mountains on some back roads and found a family with one or two small children living out of their car. she was so moved with compassion for them, she came back in to town (a couple hours drive), grabbed me, we went and bought hundreds of dollars of groceries and drove back up to the mountains to find them. we drove around for hours until it was dark, but never found them. she cried. not because she'd put forth all that effort and felt like it was wasted. she cried because she truly cared for this family. that was the first time i'd ever seen that part of my mom's heart.

anyway, while she was here, she spent more money that she had originally planned but she did it lovingly and with true joy just from giving to someone else. when she got home, there was a check from the IRS for an old tax return that was almost dollar for dollar the amount she'd spent on us while she was here (groceries, gifts, etc.). she also received a large christmas bonus plus vacation time, which she didn't expect, in her paycheck when she returned, that was about as much as she'd spent here, probably a little more. i just don't know how to say how awesome it is that God returned double what she willingly gave. she also made a point of offering a simple thing to a friend of mine that i was unwilling to do, because this friend was fairly rude about the same thing in our house a few nights before, and i didn't feel like doing the kind, right thing, but my mom knew exactly what to do and for that, i am so impressed by her example. she is a beautiful woman and i am so glad she's my mom. when we dropped her off at the airport she said the best christmas present she could ever have was getting to know me better and become better friends with me. i couldn't agree more.

*inheritance*
april 14, 2006, my grandma passed away. i loved her. so much. she was my dad's mom and one of the best memories i have of my childhood and of my family history. when i was a young kid, i asked her one time "grandma, i'm not trying to hurt your feelings but, when you die, can i have your house?" of course, that was pretty unreasonable. she had six kids and i was certainly not first in line for the house. but every corner of that house has memories for me. the walls with pictures of my dad flying planes, the old piano we used to sit around every visit and sing songs while my step mom played, my dad played guitar and inevitably someone got out a harmonica or another guitar to join in, every inch of the creaky wood floor of the hallway that used to be the front of the house decades ago before they added on, the bathroom with the old jadeite sink and the red macreme fish with google eyes and long black eyelashes on the wall above the shower, the back bedroom with the bed that had a door for a headboard where my dad and stepmom and i used to sleep when we visited and the stockpile of family toys that had been passed down from previous generations, the book shelves packed from side to side with national geographic magazines dating back to the 40s, and high school yearbooks almost as old, the hide away bed we'd open up out in the living room to sleep on in front of the old warm, brown living room furnace, my grandma's bedroom with the old chest of drawers and the jewelry box on top with mints, lemon heads, lipstick samples and strands of pearls, the kitchen with the creaking wood cabinets that hid the speckled vintage bowls and plates and aluminum tumblers that we always drank iced tea from, the smell of toast and coffee in the morning, the vintage fan on the counter with her bell collection, her plate collection and the placard that read "the cows may come and the cows may go but the bull goes on forever", a saying that i was told my grandad, who i never met, hated and i didn't really understand "until i was older", the heavy black 1940s wall phone, the freezer always stocked with ice cream, the gun cabinet with rifles for shooting coyotes, the back porch with the deep freeze where we used to crack wheat when it came in from harvest, the view of the yard from the windows, the root cellar that i was terrified of and prayed there would never be any tornados because i did not want to go down there, the old tire swing and tree house that all my cousins and i grew up playing on, the silos that stored the harvested wheat, the horse barn and workshop....

my grandma who always wore fashionable dr. scholl's shoes, tan polyester pants and white polyester shirts with polka dots or pretty patterns, her soft white hair, her cushiony and welcoming chest, her strong arms that hugged you like it was the last time she'd ever see you, her sweet smelling delicate skin and her weathered smile that revealed the wisdom and experience of a hard life...

an entire lifetime of memories that belong to me and are part of what makes me who i am.

my grandma was a wise woman and always knew when someone was doing something they shouldn't, and she knew how to handle her affairs. after she passed away, my uncle settled her estate and its value came to more than $300,000 dollars. she left it all to her children, to be divided evenly between all six of them. my dad passed away years ago and his share was divided evenly between the five of us kids. we received the check in the mail last week and, i hate to be lame but it has me thinking about our eternal inheritance. if my family can evoke such strong memories and desires to remember and know, and if my grandma's wisdom and forethought and planning can provide such a blessing - how much more the forethought of God the father who planned to put on flesh and become the first born from all creation, and include us in the inheritance he so richly and rightly deserves... when my uncle called months ago and said they were settling and dividing up the estate, i just thought it meant her physical belongings. i had no idea what was in store, how much more with our inheriting the kingdom of God!

*thoughtfulness*
the other night Rich and i (and Maisie, of course) went to Borders to buy a book for some friends. Borders has a decently large CD section which Rich almost immediately gravitates towards when we go there. i tend to stay away from it because there are SO many CDs to sort through, and i would love to look over every single one, the enormity of it all overwhelms me so i just stick to the books. anyway he said he was going to buy a CD but it was a surprise. i had my ideas about what it might be. i took Maisie to the car to feed her while he bought our books and his "surprise". after getting in the car, he put his surprise in the CD player and after a moment, i heard the sweet, relaxing and nostalgic sounds of vincent girabaldi and the classic "peanuts christmas" songs. this is one of my all-time favorite albums. it never crossed my mind when i was trying to figure out which album Rich might be trying to surprise me with. i have to say, it made me cry. i have such a thoughtful husband, who pays attention to the things i'm interested in, remembers them and thoughtfully considers me and my interests when he buys things. i love him. so much. it was a wonderful surprise and christmas present.

sionara 2006

2006-12-31T13:32:00.000-06:00

it's december 31, 2006. we're sitting at home, flipping through the channels while Maisie naps in her car seat (she fell asleep in the car and we don't dare take her out of her seat until she actually wakes up...no, she's not still out in the car).

i'm not going to do a lengthy reflection, but i am going to vent a little. we've had a bit of a lousy holiday season this year. we didn't unpack any decorations, and we can barely bathe and feed ourselves most days, let alone try to do something a bit above ordinary for a holiday, so we didn't make any meals for thanksgiving or christmas. we spent ... spent what? i don't know, i lost my train of thought. that happens a lot, like finding the cell phone in the freezer and such. i can't keep things straight anymore.

oh i remember... we spent the holidays with friends, which was nice to have company, but i guess i'm longing to start our own holiday traditions. because we haven't unpacked and really, really settled in to the house yet, (it's been...8 months since we bought it) it feels like we aren't going to be here long, like we will be moving again soon. i have to keep reminding myself that we'll likely be here a couple years, maybe more, which is great. it just doesn't feel like it.

i'm having a hard time feeling "solid" about most major things in life right now. the house, and also Maisie. as odd as it might be, it still seems unreal that she's here, that she's ours. sometimes it hits me when i see someone else holding her but most of the time i'm so zoned out trying to make it through the day on a couple of non-consecutive hours of sleep that i don't really feel the reality of life most days. it bothers me. i don't want to miss this time. i don't want to talk about it years later and say "yeah, most of it's a blur" but, at this point, that's what i will say.

well, have a nice new year's eve. we are party hopping this year, ending the evening with some friends that we'd like to be closer to but haven't spent the time with to go there. hopefully that will change this year.

no resolutions except to get more sleep and figure out what is causing Maisie so much digestive upset. that will shift the course of our life significantly.

peace

bad idea

2006-12-16T00:14:00.000-06:00

equals chenille rug. sure 50% off from pottery barn outlet seems like a great deal, but $150 is a lot to pay for grey fuzzies all over the floor regardless of how many times you sweep, or how intensely and extensively you vacuum the rug.

and we've realised that, no matter how coveted wood floors may be, you always end up covering them with rugs, they are cold in the winter and you're always worried about damaging them so why not just stick with carpets anyway? plus, it would be easier for Maisie to explore her abilities and developmental milestones on carpet rather than tipping over and knocking her head on a wood floor, covered by a scant and shedding bad-purchase chenille rug.

oh well.

photobooth best of

2006-12-16T00:08:00.000-06:00

the following 10 photos, in no particular order, are our best of photobooth pics. everytime someone visits we have them do some funny shots. thanks for having fun everyone!

2006-12-16T00:05:00.000-06:00

Fun With PhotoBooth

2006-11-04T15:42:00.000-06:00

We bought a MacBook. It comes with a built in camera and an application called PhotoBooth where you can snap photos and put them in iPhoto or make them your username photo, whatever. It has several different "effects" and sometimes we just need a really good laugh. I was crying with laughter when we did these. Thank God it was just effects.

The fun never ends

2006-11-04T15:40:00.000-06:00

Chillin' with dad

2006-11-04T15:33:00.000-06:00

Some Developmental Milestones...

2006-11-04T15:20:00.000-06:00

We know she looks a little boyish in this blue sweater, but she needed a sweater and all the girl ones were too big or had gaudy gingerbread men or presents on them. Anyway it compliments her blue eyes.

Bath time in the kitchen

2006-11-04T15:14:00.000-06:00

Maisie is a little too long for this tub but it gets the job done.

And so it begins...

2006-11-04T15:03:00.000-06:00

No, not just the first post on a new blog, but tricking Maisie to fall asleep. She's developed her ability to hold her head up while on her stomach and prop herself up on her arms. She is very observant and aware of her surroundings, which makes the transition from wake to sleep very difficult for her because she doesn't want to miss a single thing. Rich and I, like most people, can turn off the tv, turn of the lights and get in bed and fall asleep (Rich before his head hits the pillow and me after about an hour of lying awake processing my thoughts, so maybe Maisie and I are alike in that respect). Maisie needs cues to tell her it's time to sleep and we're winding down. I'm only just discovering this so a few nights ago, we turned out the lights and got in bed, and she's still wide awake, wondering what the heck is going on. Rich is out within minutes and Maisie is on her stomach, propped up on her arms, lifting her head, and looking around like "What's the deal?" She looks at Rich, then looks at me and I quickly close my eyes and open my mouth to pretend like I'm sleeping. She starts cooing like "Hey, hey wake up, what's going on?" I ended up having to take her into the living room and sing her to sleep.

And so, this is a new thing for us. Hopefully it will provide some not-too-generic insight to our life. We will mostly post photos on here and, when we can figure it out, video.

Love and Peace to all.