So, I watch some PBS kid's programming during the day. It helps give Maisie something to do or look at while I try to make something to eat or go to the bathroom.
One program that's on right now is called "Postcards From Buster". He's the rabbit from the "Arthur" stories. In the show he travels around all over the US and learns about new places and people. He's an animated rabbit taking home videos of live people. A pretty cool concept.
Anyway, the episode airing today is in Boulder, CO, my hometown.
He's taping all these places I grew up and identify with as "me" and "self". Looking out my window and seeing that I'm still in Memphis I feel out of place, homesick, disappointed. I wish Maisie could see Boulder. I wish she could grow up in that environment. I wish Rich could see all the places that I grew up that make me "me".
I love our community. But we need a holiday. And Boulder sure is looking good.
Miss you Boulder.
April 30, 2007
Who Wants To Be My Pimp?
Apparently the guy driving his pimped out hoopty through our neighborhood does.
He doesn't live here. I've never seen him around here hanging out at anyone's house. I've never seen that car drive by on any of our streets. Our quiet little neighborhood is almost entirely older couples that have lived here since the neighborhood was built in the 50's or young families like ours. This guy was WAY out of place.
Maisie and I were on the last stretch of our walk which zigzags through the four blocks that make up our little neighborhood in Berclair. Maisie was totally zonked out in the stroller. People rarely drive by on our walks because most everyone in the neighborhood is at work, unless they are retirees or stay at home moms, like myself.
I was enjoying the fresh air and peaceful noon-time sun when I heard a car coming up behind us. I was walking in the street to help keep Maisie asleep so I moved over toward the sidewalk. The car slowed down and rolled along at pace with me. I looked over to see a young guy smiling at me.
"Hey" I said.
"I knowz whe' yoo goin'" he said, still smiling.
"Oh yeah? Where?" I thought this should be interesting.
"You walkin' that bay-beh". Not as profound as I had hoped.
"Yep" I acknowledged.
"You want my help?" he said offering me a ride in his hoopty.
"Nope, thanks, I'm fine".
"Ok" he said, still keeping pace with me and smiling.
"I like your car" What the hell did I just say? I am such an idiot. I ALWAYS feel like I have to say something to make sure people know I'm not mean and that I didn't hurt their feelings.
He looked at me with a different kind of smile. "Whe' yo man at?"
"He's at work" I said, no longer smiling.
"Oh, a'right". He finally sped up and drove away.
All at once I felt like laughing, I felt angry, I felt vulnerable, I felt like a mother bear.
I wished I had paid more attention to the details of his car so I could report it. I wished I didn't always feel like I had to put people at ease, especially when THEY are the ones making things awkward. I wished I had asked him point-blank what he was doing and what he was trying to get out of me. I wished the whole exchange had never happened.
Did he just happen to see me walking as he drove by on the main road and decided I looked like a vulnerable girl he could get in to his car? Had he been following me for a while and I was unaware of it? How could he really think I might possible take him up on his offer?
I am so grateful he wasn't pushy, that he didn't stop his car and get out, that he apparently decided I wasn't going to play his game and he should move on to someone else.
But I am way pissed off. Way.
The line in my head and my heart between prejudice and the need to feel safe as a women walking my daughter in the middle of the day on a quiet street of our family-filled neighborhood is very unclear. Should I have handled the situation differently? Should I be reacting differently, either to one extreme or the other? Why can't I feel sure about the way I did handle it and the way I am reacting? Am I becoming hypersensitive to offense?
Blah.
He doesn't live here. I've never seen him around here hanging out at anyone's house. I've never seen that car drive by on any of our streets. Our quiet little neighborhood is almost entirely older couples that have lived here since the neighborhood was built in the 50's or young families like ours. This guy was WAY out of place.
Maisie and I were on the last stretch of our walk which zigzags through the four blocks that make up our little neighborhood in Berclair. Maisie was totally zonked out in the stroller. People rarely drive by on our walks because most everyone in the neighborhood is at work, unless they are retirees or stay at home moms, like myself.
I was enjoying the fresh air and peaceful noon-time sun when I heard a car coming up behind us. I was walking in the street to help keep Maisie asleep so I moved over toward the sidewalk. The car slowed down and rolled along at pace with me. I looked over to see a young guy smiling at me.
"Hey" I said.
"I knowz whe' yoo goin'" he said, still smiling.
"Oh yeah? Where?" I thought this should be interesting.
"You walkin' that bay-beh". Not as profound as I had hoped.
"Yep" I acknowledged.
"You want my help?" he said offering me a ride in his hoopty.
"Nope, thanks, I'm fine".
"Ok" he said, still keeping pace with me and smiling.
"I like your car" What the hell did I just say? I am such an idiot. I ALWAYS feel like I have to say something to make sure people know I'm not mean and that I didn't hurt their feelings.
He looked at me with a different kind of smile. "Whe' yo man at?"
"He's at work" I said, no longer smiling.
"Oh, a'right". He finally sped up and drove away.
All at once I felt like laughing, I felt angry, I felt vulnerable, I felt like a mother bear.
I wished I had paid more attention to the details of his car so I could report it. I wished I didn't always feel like I had to put people at ease, especially when THEY are the ones making things awkward. I wished I had asked him point-blank what he was doing and what he was trying to get out of me. I wished the whole exchange had never happened.
Did he just happen to see me walking as he drove by on the main road and decided I looked like a vulnerable girl he could get in to his car? Had he been following me for a while and I was unaware of it? How could he really think I might possible take him up on his offer?
I am so grateful he wasn't pushy, that he didn't stop his car and get out, that he apparently decided I wasn't going to play his game and he should move on to someone else.
But I am way pissed off. Way.
The line in my head and my heart between prejudice and the need to feel safe as a women walking my daughter in the middle of the day on a quiet street of our family-filled neighborhood is very unclear. Should I have handled the situation differently? Should I be reacting differently, either to one extreme or the other? Why can't I feel sure about the way I did handle it and the way I am reacting? Am I becoming hypersensitive to offense?
Blah.
April 27, 2007
The First Step To Breaking The Cycle
James 2
A Warning against Prejudice
1 My dear brothers and sisters, how can you claim to have faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ if you favor some people over others?
2 For example, suppose someone comes into your meeting dressed in fancy clothes and expensive jewelry, and another comes in who is poor and dressed in dirty clothes. 3 If you give special attention and a good seat to the rich person, but you say to the poor one, “You can stand over there, or else sit on the floor”—well, 4 doesn’t this discrimination show that your judgments are guided by evil motives?
5 Listen to me, dear brothers and sisters. Hasn’t God chosen the poor in this world to be rich in faith? Aren’t they the ones who will inherit the Kingdom he promised to those who love him? 6 But you dishonor the poor! Isn’t it the rich who oppress you and drag you into court? 7 Aren’t they the ones who slander Jesus Christ, whose noble name you bear?
8 Yes indeed, it is good when you obey the royal law as found in the Scriptures: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 9 But if you favor some people over others, you are committing a sin. You are guilty of breaking the law.
10 For the person who keeps all of the laws except one is as guilty as a person who has broken all of God’s laws. 11 For the same God who said, “You must not commit adultery,” also said, “You must not murder.” So if you murder someone but do not commit adultery, you have still broken the law.
12 So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. 13 There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.
Faith without Good Deeds Is Dead
14 What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? 15 Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, 16 and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do?
17 So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.
18 Now someone may argue, “Some people have faith; others have good deeds.” But I say, “How can you show me your faith if you don’t have good deeds? I will show you my faith by my good deeds.”
19 You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. 20 How foolish! Can’t you see that faith without good deeds is useless?
21 Don’t you remember that our ancestor Abraham was shown to be right with God by his actions when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? 22 You see, his faith and his actions worked together. His actions made his faith complete. 23 And so it happened just as the Scriptures say: “Abraham believed God, and God counted him as righteous because of his faith.” He was even called the friend of God. 24 So you see, we are shown to be right with God by what we do, not by faith alone.
25 Rahab the prostitute is another example. She was shown to be right with God by her actions when she hid those messengers and sent them safely away by a different road. 26 Just as the body is dead without breath, so also faith is dead without good works.
A Warning against Prejudice
1 My dear brothers and sisters, how can you claim to have faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ if you favor some people over others?
2 For example, suppose someone comes into your meeting dressed in fancy clothes and expensive jewelry, and another comes in who is poor and dressed in dirty clothes. 3 If you give special attention and a good seat to the rich person, but you say to the poor one, “You can stand over there, or else sit on the floor”—well, 4 doesn’t this discrimination show that your judgments are guided by evil motives?
5 Listen to me, dear brothers and sisters. Hasn’t God chosen the poor in this world to be rich in faith? Aren’t they the ones who will inherit the Kingdom he promised to those who love him? 6 But you dishonor the poor! Isn’t it the rich who oppress you and drag you into court? 7 Aren’t they the ones who slander Jesus Christ, whose noble name you bear?
8 Yes indeed, it is good when you obey the royal law as found in the Scriptures: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 9 But if you favor some people over others, you are committing a sin. You are guilty of breaking the law.
10 For the person who keeps all of the laws except one is as guilty as a person who has broken all of God’s laws. 11 For the same God who said, “You must not commit adultery,” also said, “You must not murder.” So if you murder someone but do not commit adultery, you have still broken the law.
12 So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. 13 There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.
Faith without Good Deeds Is Dead
14 What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? 15 Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, 16 and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do?
17 So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.
18 Now someone may argue, “Some people have faith; others have good deeds.” But I say, “How can you show me your faith if you don’t have good deeds? I will show you my faith by my good deeds.”
19 You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. 20 How foolish! Can’t you see that faith without good deeds is useless?
21 Don’t you remember that our ancestor Abraham was shown to be right with God by his actions when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? 22 You see, his faith and his actions worked together. His actions made his faith complete. 23 And so it happened just as the Scriptures say: “Abraham believed God, and God counted him as righteous because of his faith.” He was even called the friend of God. 24 So you see, we are shown to be right with God by what we do, not by faith alone.
25 Rahab the prostitute is another example. She was shown to be right with God by her actions when she hid those messengers and sent them safely away by a different road. 26 Just as the body is dead without breath, so also faith is dead without good works.
Does the Cycle End?
i'm asking myself this after a rabbit trail of thoughts.
it all started two days ago. i watched Pride & Prejudice, a movie i dearly love. for those who are not so enamoured with Jane Austen or classic love stories, it essentially is a story of one woman from a certain class (economic status) and a man from a much higher class falling in love, her pride and his prejudice.
fortunately for her, Elizabeth Bennet (the main character) was born into a decent class, but from those in higher classes her position in society was not very desirable, especially when it came to marriage and joining families from different classes.
what got me thinking about the cycle was a very unobtrusive thing i saw while watching the extras on the DVD. one of the extras was about Jane Austen, how she was ahead of her time as an author. there was a shot of her signature which, incidentally starts with the same letter as mine. i remember always feeling like i had poor hand writing and wanting to be able to sign my name in the style of handwriting that Jane Austen and so many others used during that time period.
what i realized is that handwriting from that time period was so beautiful, consistent and precise because people wrote more slowly. they had time to sit and be very deliberate about the strokes they made. women had time to sit and learn to sew, to draw, to study the "modern" languages, to play piano-forte, to read and to write. well, women born into a good class had time to become "accomplished" as it was called.
so, i thought, what of the women (and men) who didn't have time to become accomplished? they were the girls and boys who came from lower class families. girls who had to work as seamstresses, cooks, house maids, au-peres (nannies), if they were lucky enough to be hired by an upperclass family. some girls didn't have that good fortune and took positions in some of the lowest classes of society, just to be able to buy some stale bread to eat (i'm thinking of Charlie and the Chocolate factory, how Charlie's mom washed laundry for a living and the family was eating cabbage soup for the 5th or 6th day in a row and it was basically watered down-watered down left over cabbage soup). these women and men never had time to sit and learn to write. they came from families with little or no money, which led them into a life of work instead of education, and the work they did never got them ahead in life, but only kept them alive for that day. with no time for education, they never got better jobs, never made more money, never had any hope of being anything more than what they were, unless they defied the odds, like Elizabeth Bennet, and married into a higher class (which, as a side note, is why the story is such a classic. Elizabeth Bennet found love and defied the odds).
all this makes me ask: where the heck in history did class begin? it's not new and it's still the structure of society today. who decided what was valuable and who was allowed to have it? when did people begin dividing themselves into class? was it when greed and pride caused a man to horde what was valuable and overpower people to become a king? how far back does class go?
why hasn't it changed? if we know that class division is wrong and that the value of a human life has nothing to do with possessions or education, why are we still living in a world that functions based on class?
i know it has to do with expectations. people in lower classes aren't treated with the expectation that they can be more, and sadly it seems rare that a person from a lower class defies the expectation and breaks into a higher class.
i thought capitalism was supposed to be the american dream? everyone gets a slice of the pie, everyone gets to make his own way and find his dream and get rich. well, when everyone is looking out for number one and when our lives are based on and fueled by profit, people are going to get stepped on and trodded upon until they are under the shoes of someone else.
when does it end? how does it end? is it possible to end the cycle of class, of poverty, of materialism, of gain for self without regard for any other life? if capitalism isn't the answer, could it be communism, where every person is regarded equally? i think the former soviet union is an adequate response to that.
no structure of society ever devised or schemed by mankind will ever be the answer because we are deeply flawed. the human condition is that we exist for ourselves, we live for number one, we choose and fight for the right to be our own individual person, separate from others, more important than others.
is there any hope for change? unless we be changed thoroughly, completely, wholly and totally into a new creation by the Spirit of the One who raised Jesus from the dead, there is no hope for change. even then, we still struggle in these time worn bodies to make an existance for ourselves.
changing our mindset about what is important and what makes people valuable is the first step, and can only be accomplished by living from the inner sanctuary of the soul where God dwells, viewing our world and our earthly companions in the glow of His holy light. but change in perspective is useless if we don't make tangible and practical changes.
i was going to quote a verse from James 2 about faith being dead and useless without works, but really, the entire chapter is fitting.
but considering all this, i feel so small, so helpless, so hopeless. i am one person, less educated than most, living at a financial level considered "low class", and raising a baby. what means could i possible have to make any impact or change whatsoever that could affect humanity? the answers and solutions are so enormous. i feel so lame.
it all started two days ago. i watched Pride & Prejudice, a movie i dearly love. for those who are not so enamoured with Jane Austen or classic love stories, it essentially is a story of one woman from a certain class (economic status) and a man from a much higher class falling in love, her pride and his prejudice.
fortunately for her, Elizabeth Bennet (the main character) was born into a decent class, but from those in higher classes her position in society was not very desirable, especially when it came to marriage and joining families from different classes.
what got me thinking about the cycle was a very unobtrusive thing i saw while watching the extras on the DVD. one of the extras was about Jane Austen, how she was ahead of her time as an author. there was a shot of her signature which, incidentally starts with the same letter as mine. i remember always feeling like i had poor hand writing and wanting to be able to sign my name in the style of handwriting that Jane Austen and so many others used during that time period.
what i realized is that handwriting from that time period was so beautiful, consistent and precise because people wrote more slowly. they had time to sit and be very deliberate about the strokes they made. women had time to sit and learn to sew, to draw, to study the "modern" languages, to play piano-forte, to read and to write. well, women born into a good class had time to become "accomplished" as it was called.
so, i thought, what of the women (and men) who didn't have time to become accomplished? they were the girls and boys who came from lower class families. girls who had to work as seamstresses, cooks, house maids, au-peres (nannies), if they were lucky enough to be hired by an upperclass family. some girls didn't have that good fortune and took positions in some of the lowest classes of society, just to be able to buy some stale bread to eat (i'm thinking of Charlie and the Chocolate factory, how Charlie's mom washed laundry for a living and the family was eating cabbage soup for the 5th or 6th day in a row and it was basically watered down-watered down left over cabbage soup). these women and men never had time to sit and learn to write. they came from families with little or no money, which led them into a life of work instead of education, and the work they did never got them ahead in life, but only kept them alive for that day. with no time for education, they never got better jobs, never made more money, never had any hope of being anything more than what they were, unless they defied the odds, like Elizabeth Bennet, and married into a higher class (which, as a side note, is why the story is such a classic. Elizabeth Bennet found love and defied the odds).
all this makes me ask: where the heck in history did class begin? it's not new and it's still the structure of society today. who decided what was valuable and who was allowed to have it? when did people begin dividing themselves into class? was it when greed and pride caused a man to horde what was valuable and overpower people to become a king? how far back does class go?
why hasn't it changed? if we know that class division is wrong and that the value of a human life has nothing to do with possessions or education, why are we still living in a world that functions based on class?
i know it has to do with expectations. people in lower classes aren't treated with the expectation that they can be more, and sadly it seems rare that a person from a lower class defies the expectation and breaks into a higher class.
i thought capitalism was supposed to be the american dream? everyone gets a slice of the pie, everyone gets to make his own way and find his dream and get rich. well, when everyone is looking out for number one and when our lives are based on and fueled by profit, people are going to get stepped on and trodded upon until they are under the shoes of someone else.
when does it end? how does it end? is it possible to end the cycle of class, of poverty, of materialism, of gain for self without regard for any other life? if capitalism isn't the answer, could it be communism, where every person is regarded equally? i think the former soviet union is an adequate response to that.
no structure of society ever devised or schemed by mankind will ever be the answer because we are deeply flawed. the human condition is that we exist for ourselves, we live for number one, we choose and fight for the right to be our own individual person, separate from others, more important than others.
is there any hope for change? unless we be changed thoroughly, completely, wholly and totally into a new creation by the Spirit of the One who raised Jesus from the dead, there is no hope for change. even then, we still struggle in these time worn bodies to make an existance for ourselves.
changing our mindset about what is important and what makes people valuable is the first step, and can only be accomplished by living from the inner sanctuary of the soul where God dwells, viewing our world and our earthly companions in the glow of His holy light. but change in perspective is useless if we don't make tangible and practical changes.
i was going to quote a verse from James 2 about faith being dead and useless without works, but really, the entire chapter is fitting.
but considering all this, i feel so small, so helpless, so hopeless. i am one person, less educated than most, living at a financial level considered "low class", and raising a baby. what means could i possible have to make any impact or change whatsoever that could affect humanity? the answers and solutions are so enormous. i feel so lame.
April 26, 2007
March 29, 2007
The Inner Sanctuary of the Soul
I'm reading "A Testament of Devtion" by Thomas Kelly when I can't sleep at night, which is fairly often, and I just have to post from it because it is so provoking.
"In this humanistic age we suppose man is the initiator and God is the responder. But the Living Christ within us is the initiator and we are the responders. God the Lover, the accuser, the revealer of light and darkness presses within us. 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'"
- Yes Jesus, knock. Pound urgently. Beat upon that door until I can bear it no more and rush to fling it wide open, and your Holy Light burst in and illuminates everything inside, and your sweet and burning scent overtakes every cubic inch of air, and I will soak up Your light, I will breath in Your scent. Knock Jesus, knock, without hesitation or reservation, on Rich's heart, on Maisie's heart, on my mom and my brother and my sister's heart, on my whole family's heart and on my friends' hearts, on the hearts of the human race. Knock, Jesus. You are welcome here and I love the sound of your fist upon my heart, your desire to come in, to be present, to reside.
"And all our apparent initiative is already a response, a testimonial to His secret presence and working within us.
"The basic response of the soul to the Light is internal adoration and joy, thankfulness and worship, self-surrender and listening. The secret places of the heart cease to be our noisy workshop.
- The secret places of my heart are so noisy with irritating and mindlessly repetitive obsessive-compulsive like thoughts, worries, planning, arrogance and self-impressiveness. Where is the eternity in my heart?
"They become a holy sanctuary of adoration and self-oblation [making an offering], where we are kept in perfect peace, if our minds be stayed on Him who has found us in the inward springs of our life. And in brief intervals of overpowering visitation we are able to carry the sanctuary frame of mind out into the world, into its turmoil and fitfulness, and in a hyperaesthesia of the soul, we see all mankind tinged with deeper shadows, and touched with Galilean glories. Powerfully are the springs of our will moved to an abandon of singing love toward God; powerfully are we moved to a new and overcoming love toward time-blinded men and all creation. In this Center of Creation all things are ours, and we are Christ's and Christ is God's. We are owned men, ready to run and not be weary and to walk and not faint.
"But the light fades, the will weakens, the humdrum returns. Can we stay this fading? No, and we should not try, for we must learn the disciplines of His will, and pass beyond this first lesson of His Grace. But the Eternal Inward Light does not die when ecstacy dies [when the wonderful and "hyperaesthesia of the soul" from experiencing moments of inward intimacy with God fades], nor exist only intermittantly, with the flickerings of our psychic states. Continuously renewed immediacy, not receding memory of the Divine Touch, lies at the base of religious living. Let us explore together the secret of a deeper devotion, a more subterranean sanctuary of the soul, where the Light Within never fades, but burns, a perpetual Flame ... The 'bright shoots of everlastingness' can become a steady light within, if we are deadly in earnest in our dedication to the Light, and are willing to pass out of first stages into maturer religious living.
**"Only if this is possible can the light from the inner sanctuary of the soul be a workaday light for the marketplace, a guide for perplexed feet, a recreator of cultural-patterns for the race of mankind."**
"In this humanistic age we suppose man is the initiator and God is the responder. But the Living Christ within us is the initiator and we are the responders. God the Lover, the accuser, the revealer of light and darkness presses within us. 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'"
- Yes Jesus, knock. Pound urgently. Beat upon that door until I can bear it no more and rush to fling it wide open, and your Holy Light burst in and illuminates everything inside, and your sweet and burning scent overtakes every cubic inch of air, and I will soak up Your light, I will breath in Your scent. Knock Jesus, knock, without hesitation or reservation, on Rich's heart, on Maisie's heart, on my mom and my brother and my sister's heart, on my whole family's heart and on my friends' hearts, on the hearts of the human race. Knock, Jesus. You are welcome here and I love the sound of your fist upon my heart, your desire to come in, to be present, to reside.
"And all our apparent initiative is already a response, a testimonial to His secret presence and working within us.
"The basic response of the soul to the Light is internal adoration and joy, thankfulness and worship, self-surrender and listening. The secret places of the heart cease to be our noisy workshop.
- The secret places of my heart are so noisy with irritating and mindlessly repetitive obsessive-compulsive like thoughts, worries, planning, arrogance and self-impressiveness. Where is the eternity in my heart?
"They become a holy sanctuary of adoration and self-oblation [making an offering], where we are kept in perfect peace, if our minds be stayed on Him who has found us in the inward springs of our life. And in brief intervals of overpowering visitation we are able to carry the sanctuary frame of mind out into the world, into its turmoil and fitfulness, and in a hyperaesthesia of the soul, we see all mankind tinged with deeper shadows, and touched with Galilean glories. Powerfully are the springs of our will moved to an abandon of singing love toward God; powerfully are we moved to a new and overcoming love toward time-blinded men and all creation. In this Center of Creation all things are ours, and we are Christ's and Christ is God's. We are owned men, ready to run and not be weary and to walk and not faint.
"But the light fades, the will weakens, the humdrum returns. Can we stay this fading? No, and we should not try, for we must learn the disciplines of His will, and pass beyond this first lesson of His Grace. But the Eternal Inward Light does not die when ecstacy dies [when the wonderful and "hyperaesthesia of the soul" from experiencing moments of inward intimacy with God fades], nor exist only intermittantly, with the flickerings of our psychic states. Continuously renewed immediacy, not receding memory of the Divine Touch, lies at the base of religious living. Let us explore together the secret of a deeper devotion, a more subterranean sanctuary of the soul, where the Light Within never fades, but burns, a perpetual Flame ... The 'bright shoots of everlastingness' can become a steady light within, if we are deadly in earnest in our dedication to the Light, and are willing to pass out of first stages into maturer religious living.
**"Only if this is possible can the light from the inner sanctuary of the soul be a workaday light for the marketplace, a guide for perplexed feet, a recreator of cultural-patterns for the race of mankind."**
My Neighbor Lily
I take Maisie for a walk pretty much every day. We generally take the same route every time. Two days ago we were out on our typical way, a street over from ours. A lady I'd met one time before came out of her house, I'm pretty sure she saw me coming and decided she wanted to talk. She had previously called Maisie a boy and I didn't correct her. I didn't figure I'd see her again. When she came out this time, she did it again. I wheeled Maisie in her stroller up the lady's driveway to chat, where she realised she was a girl. Lily, as she later introduced herself, is fairly old. Probably late 70s but it might be more accurate to guess in her 80s. She kept mentioning various boyfriends she'd had throughout her life and never mentioned a husband...
Anyway, she remarked on how beautiful Maisie is, as people often (ok, ALWAYS) do and said she would probably be tall, could probably be Miss America one day. Lily asked if I'd watched the show the night before.
"No, but I saw that Miss Tennessee won" I said with feigned enthusiasm.
"Yeah, I can't believe it. She was a mixed girl". I couldn't believe THAT.
"Oh, I know, she was BEAUTIFUL!" I said genuinely, acting like I didn't catch what she meant.
This led in to a racial slur-laden conversation about physical appearance, the other black Miss America contestant, beauty and ugliness. Some of what she said was so insulting, I couldn't believe she wasn't even bothered by it. Most people, including the older man we ran into this past Saturday at the yard sale, will lower their voice because they know what they are saying is inappropriate, but Lily just let loose.
I am angry that people remark on Maisie's loveliness and then slander black people. I feel like her beauty is maligned with their ignorance and predjudice. Then again, it so far has provided me two opportunities to challenge some probably life-long predjudices and maybe provoke some inner change in those people.
Lily said something awful about black people being ugly. Even as I type this I'm uncomfortable and angry. I said "Oh, I don't think so."
"You don't?" she asked with a raised eyebrow, waiting for me to explain.
"I don't know how anyone can call ANYONE ugly. We're all made by God. That's like telling God He didn't do a good enough job. Do you feel comfortable doing that?"
Her answer was unexpected. "Even God's own son was ugly."
"I don't think so. Where does it say that"
"Isaiah 53." I was surprised - she even listed the verse.
I answered "Well, it says there was nothing about him that would draw our attention to him. That doesn't mean he was ugly" (and I thought later, that had Jesus been ugly, that would have drawn people's attention to him...I guess he was one of those faces you just sort of forget, unless of course you actually came within earshot of him. You would probably never forget that encounter). "Well, anyway" I continued, "I can tell you he sure as heck wasn't white."
"Oh really?" Lily said.
"If he was from Israel, he looked like what people from Israel look like, and it isn't blonde hair and blue eyes and white skin."
She didn't really seem phased by that. We talked for a little while longer and I pointed out the back of our house across the ditch and over from her driveway. She seems sort of lonely.
It's quite obvious that these two encounters are not random chance. I'm a bit bothered that it seems that God has seen fit to use Maisie's beauty to bring about situations to challenge people. But, she is His first, then mine. I hope I can teach her to see the beauty of God's handiwork.
Anyway, she remarked on how beautiful Maisie is, as people often (ok, ALWAYS) do and said she would probably be tall, could probably be Miss America one day. Lily asked if I'd watched the show the night before.
"No, but I saw that Miss Tennessee won" I said with feigned enthusiasm.
"Yeah, I can't believe it. She was a mixed girl". I couldn't believe THAT.
"Oh, I know, she was BEAUTIFUL!" I said genuinely, acting like I didn't catch what she meant.
This led in to a racial slur-laden conversation about physical appearance, the other black Miss America contestant, beauty and ugliness. Some of what she said was so insulting, I couldn't believe she wasn't even bothered by it. Most people, including the older man we ran into this past Saturday at the yard sale, will lower their voice because they know what they are saying is inappropriate, but Lily just let loose.
I am angry that people remark on Maisie's loveliness and then slander black people. I feel like her beauty is maligned with their ignorance and predjudice. Then again, it so far has provided me two opportunities to challenge some probably life-long predjudices and maybe provoke some inner change in those people.
Lily said something awful about black people being ugly. Even as I type this I'm uncomfortable and angry. I said "Oh, I don't think so."
"You don't?" she asked with a raised eyebrow, waiting for me to explain.
"I don't know how anyone can call ANYONE ugly. We're all made by God. That's like telling God He didn't do a good enough job. Do you feel comfortable doing that?"
Her answer was unexpected. "Even God's own son was ugly."
"I don't think so. Where does it say that"
"Isaiah 53." I was surprised - she even listed the verse.
I answered "Well, it says there was nothing about him that would draw our attention to him. That doesn't mean he was ugly" (and I thought later, that had Jesus been ugly, that would have drawn people's attention to him...I guess he was one of those faces you just sort of forget, unless of course you actually came within earshot of him. You would probably never forget that encounter). "Well, anyway" I continued, "I can tell you he sure as heck wasn't white."
"Oh really?" Lily said.
"If he was from Israel, he looked like what people from Israel look like, and it isn't blonde hair and blue eyes and white skin."
She didn't really seem phased by that. We talked for a little while longer and I pointed out the back of our house across the ditch and over from her driveway. She seems sort of lonely.
It's quite obvious that these two encounters are not random chance. I'm a bit bothered that it seems that God has seen fit to use Maisie's beauty to bring about situations to challenge people. But, she is His first, then mine. I hope I can teach her to see the beauty of God's handiwork.
March 24, 2007
Some pictures I took...Please don't yank these for profit
Not that I think they are that amazing but...anyway
A Not-Coincidence
So today is Saturday. I've been wrestling with my thoughts for hours. This morning some friends in our area had a yard sale so we put Maisie in the stroller and walked over (about a mile away). We were there for a while, chatting. A little while before we left an older man pulled up to come and look over the things out for sale. I was holding Maisie and as he was looking around, he stopped, came over to me and said "Oh, it's good to see a white baby".
"What?" I said, partially because he was mumbling and I was hoping against hope that was not what he really said, partially because I couldn't believe he would dare to say something like that, partially because I wanted him to repeat it, hoping he would hear what an ass he sounded like.
"I said it's good to see a little white baby out here". My friend looked at me in disbelief, mouth gaping with lack of words.
My adrenaline started flowing. I wanted to to provoke him so that I might have a chance to show him that just because we were white doesn't make us racists. So I said "I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean".
He said "Well, you know, it's just that every baby you see is either a little black baby or a little mixed baby".
I WANTED TO CHOKE HIM. I wanted to tell him "You make me sick".
I just half-laughed with disbelief and said "They're people, too, you know."
I felt weak, ineffective, dumb (as in not being able to speak).
Maybe it did something, maybe it didn't.
Then Rich and I decided to take a different way home. One of the things that irks me most about Memphis, and would likely irk me in other cities if we lived in an older part of the city, is that there are SO many streets that start one place, end at an intersection and zig zig up a block or two, or end completely and start again four streets over, with no connection in between. So began our journey home.
We intended to take a certain street all the way back. First we ended up going in a circle because the street we were on curved around to another street we had been near. Then we walked a block, zig zagged another block, walked two more blocks, and the road disappeared. After a series of irritating turns in an attempt to find where the street picks up again, we ended up on Macon. Everyone in Berclair knows that street divides this area between the "good" side of the street and the "bad". Well, at least as far as real estate goes. In actuality, it's not entirely true. We know people that live "on the north side of Macon" (tremble) and it is not bad.
The actual road of Macon, however, has some rundown and dingy blocks. So there we found ourselves walking, another not-coincidence. It was a challenge to me. Being the minority is uncomfortable. Please, this was not "the white girl finally getting a sense of what it's like". It's not the first time. I just wish that it wasn't an issue. Why does what's different from us have to scare us - both the majority being scared of the minority as well as the minority being afraid of the majority?
Why do people settle for the easy solution like mob-mentality instead of thinking for themselves, seeing clearly and loving well? Why are we so paralyzed to face fears that don't risk our lives or cause physical harm? Why are we so apathetic?
I really feel like poverty and expectations are the real issues. Why is it 2007 and these still haven't been addressed?
I don't have answers.
"What?" I said, partially because he was mumbling and I was hoping against hope that was not what he really said, partially because I couldn't believe he would dare to say something like that, partially because I wanted him to repeat it, hoping he would hear what an ass he sounded like.
"I said it's good to see a little white baby out here". My friend looked at me in disbelief, mouth gaping with lack of words.
My adrenaline started flowing. I wanted to to provoke him so that I might have a chance to show him that just because we were white doesn't make us racists. So I said "I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean".
He said "Well, you know, it's just that every baby you see is either a little black baby or a little mixed baby".
I WANTED TO CHOKE HIM. I wanted to tell him "You make me sick".
I just half-laughed with disbelief and said "They're people, too, you know."
I felt weak, ineffective, dumb (as in not being able to speak).
Maybe it did something, maybe it didn't.
Then Rich and I decided to take a different way home. One of the things that irks me most about Memphis, and would likely irk me in other cities if we lived in an older part of the city, is that there are SO many streets that start one place, end at an intersection and zig zig up a block or two, or end completely and start again four streets over, with no connection in between. So began our journey home.
We intended to take a certain street all the way back. First we ended up going in a circle because the street we were on curved around to another street we had been near. Then we walked a block, zig zagged another block, walked two more blocks, and the road disappeared. After a series of irritating turns in an attempt to find where the street picks up again, we ended up on Macon. Everyone in Berclair knows that street divides this area between the "good" side of the street and the "bad". Well, at least as far as real estate goes. In actuality, it's not entirely true. We know people that live "on the north side of Macon" (tremble) and it is not bad.
The actual road of Macon, however, has some rundown and dingy blocks. So there we found ourselves walking, another not-coincidence. It was a challenge to me. Being the minority is uncomfortable. Please, this was not "the white girl finally getting a sense of what it's like". It's not the first time. I just wish that it wasn't an issue. Why does what's different from us have to scare us - both the majority being scared of the minority as well as the minority being afraid of the majority?
Why do people settle for the easy solution like mob-mentality instead of thinking for themselves, seeing clearly and loving well? Why are we so paralyzed to face fears that don't risk our lives or cause physical harm? Why are we so apathetic?
I really feel like poverty and expectations are the real issues. Why is it 2007 and these still haven't been addressed?
I don't have answers.
February 22, 2007
Some days in the life of Maisie
Maisie in the twilight zone, a typical diaper change, hanging out with Dustin who helps me during the week, and asleep in the backpack with daddy
Food processors
are great for making homemade carrot cakes. You can actually making everything - the whole batter, shredded carrots and all, and the cream cheese frosting, all in the work bowl - beauty!
I've known Rich for 4 years, three of those married, and each year since we've been married, I've attempted to make his favorite cakes for his birthday, #27 was this past Sunday. The first year it was maple walnut chiffon, last year was apple dapple cake, and this year, carrot. Next year I think I will have to attempt an ice cream cake. I will probably just buy one. But I'm pretty proud of this year's so here are some pictures of it... Everyone we had over for lunch loved it so, I guess it turned out well.
I've known Rich for 4 years, three of those married, and each year since we've been married, I've attempted to make his favorite cakes for his birthday, #27 was this past Sunday. The first year it was maple walnut chiffon, last year was apple dapple cake, and this year, carrot. Next year I think I will have to attempt an ice cream cake. I will probably just buy one. But I'm pretty proud of this year's so here are some pictures of it... Everyone we had over for lunch loved it so, I guess it turned out well.
Say goodbye...
...to gummy grins. Maisie cut her first tooth yesterday (February 21) These are the last pictures taken of her sans les dents, or more accurately avant les dents. I think she's got skills to be a DJ - she's practicing scratching her little wheel like a turntable.
February 18, 2007
Tagged
whoopity doo!
A- Available or married? Joyfully and satisfactorily married
B- Best Friend? Rich, really
C- Cake or Pie? Cake
D- Drink of Choice? Dr Pepper, nectar of the gods
E- Essential Item? Tooth brush - definitely
F- Favorite Color? gray
G- Gummi Bears or Worms? gummi worms or regular worms?
H- Hometown? boulder, colorado
I- Indulgence? chocolate
J- January or February? huh?
K- Kids & names? yes, Maisie
L- Life is incomplete without? God and community
M- Marriage Date? which one? June 12, 2003 "legal", August 09, 2003 "official"
N- Number of Siblings? 4
O- Oranges or apples? apples
P- Phobias/Fears? bears and mountain lions, fires, tornadoes, my husband or baby getting sick, hurt or dying, getting trapped in a car underwater
Q- Favorite Quote? this are of my brain is on vacation right now (that's not a quote)
R- Reason to Smile? love
S- Season? Spring - hasten thyself!!
T- Tag three people! Duane and Karen, Andy and Mandy, Corine
U- Unknown fact about me: i love the feeling of my hair when i run it across and under my fingernails (weird fact, i know)
W- Worst habit? chocolate and dr pepper
Y- Your favorite food? food
Z- Zodiac? virgo
A- Available or married? Joyfully and satisfactorily married
B- Best Friend? Rich, really
C- Cake or Pie? Cake
D- Drink of Choice? Dr Pepper, nectar of the gods
E- Essential Item? Tooth brush - definitely
F- Favorite Color? gray
G- Gummi Bears or Worms? gummi worms or regular worms?
H- Hometown? boulder, colorado
I- Indulgence? chocolate
J- January or February? huh?
K- Kids & names? yes, Maisie
L- Life is incomplete without? God and community
M- Marriage Date? which one? June 12, 2003 "legal", August 09, 2003 "official"
N- Number of Siblings? 4
O- Oranges or apples? apples
P- Phobias/Fears? bears and mountain lions, fires, tornadoes, my husband or baby getting sick, hurt or dying, getting trapped in a car underwater
Q- Favorite Quote? this are of my brain is on vacation right now (that's not a quote)
R- Reason to Smile? love
S- Season? Spring - hasten thyself!!
T- Tag three people! Duane and Karen, Andy and Mandy, Corine
U- Unknown fact about me: i love the feeling of my hair when i run it across and under my fingernails (weird fact, i know)
W- Worst habit? chocolate and dr pepper
Y- Your favorite food? food
Z- Zodiac? virgo
January 1, 2007
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