In the 13th month of her life...

We haven't updated our blog in a while because, as of late, it has become increasingly more difficult to photograph Maisie. Is it any wonder? She took her first solo steps July 23 and ever since is on the go, stopping only to sleep, and usually not then, either. She has just about mastered the skill of standing up "in the middle of nowhere" completely unassisted, and walking from there to anywhere she wants. She is great at regaining her balance, changing direction and going the distance. Within the next week or so she will likely be running everywhere and probably won't stop, even in her sleep. Wheee!!!

So, when we do try to take her picture, we usually get something like these first three as she books it across the room or tries to "do what mama is doing":




I love this one, it's a creepy kind of funny with her gappy little baby teeth and drooly mouth


A typical day around the house for Maisie, clothing optional of course! It has been above 100F for two weeks straight but even still, she's just so darn cute sans clothing





Cuteness and sweetness


This is what she does when we say "make a funny face, Maisie!"


She was in the middle of telling me a story - she babbles constantly. She even wakes up babbling


She is so good at roaring like a lion! Too good, in fact - she tries so hard she gags herself, it's hilarious


Escaping out the side of the chair


Working on those biped skills!

The last week of the first year of her life

Maisie, the Monkey

Climbing....


And making a mess! Happy Birthday Maisie!!!

What the cat dragged in.

Well, we don't have a cat, but if we did, I suppose this is what might happen.

I found this riffraff rummaging through my kitchen


How did you get in here?


I followed her through the house


Rich - come and see what I found


"Hey wait," he said. "This one looks familiar..."


"Oh right - she's ours!"

GEH-TOH

Rich and I ran to Burger King the other night for dinner. Normailly we don't eat out, except sometimes on Sundays. But this particular evening we were running late for something.

Usually when we grab a quick meal, we opt for something like Chick-Fil-A or Wendy's. But Burger King was the best option for us that night.

Now, we live in a particular area of town that is not recognized for its affluent neighborhoods, shopping district or design for outdoor activities. Berclair is a fairly low-income neighborhood and the houses, cars, strip malls and road conditions generally reflect that. Our local Burger King is no exception.

On one occasion, after we had just bought our house and were spending every weekend down here repainting the trim and walls before we moved in, we ate at our local BK and when we asked for ketchup were told they were all out.

Rich said (to me and not to our drive-through employee) "How can you be out of ketchup? You're a fast food restaurant! It's morally irresponsible for you to be out of ketchup!"

Apparently, whoever is in charge of inventory and ordering has a really difficult time with the concept of supply and demand, because when we went there a few nights ago, not only were they out of ketchup (again), but side salads (which was the one menu item that made us decide to eat there that night), Coca Cola, AND Sprite.

Now, I'm not really complaining. It is a privilege to be able to eat out, to have the resources and the luxury to not have to cook for yourself.

But I just can't believe that a store that consistently runs out of staple menu items is still in business.

We often find that in the south, things can be done half-assed and it's "good enough for here".

I really hate that attitude.

As my mind tends to do, this experience led me to once again consider the affect of poverty on a community. I think in most other neighborhoods, a fast food restaurant would be shut down for such flimsy operating. But in Berclair, they can get away with it because it's "good enough". People don't really complain, they just accept that it's just "that way", and unfortunately it applies to more than just a meal out.

Our local grocery store just sucks. I'm torn because I want to support our community and put money back in to it by purchasing locally (although, driving 5 miles to the very wealthy and upscale sister store in the Jewish community could still be considered local) but they rarely have everything I shop for, and I don't shop for much. Our local store seems to get the last of the produce from the warehouse, and stocks most of what we don't need. I'd like to take it up with managment but they really don't seem to care. And, sad to say, it's easier to just drive 5 miles away to the store that is always shiny and clean, and always staffed with employees who greet you, smile at you, acknowledge you and help you.

It's hard to believe that two of the same stores can be so drastically different just because of their geographical location, and hard to believe that in a matter of a few miles the economic gap can be so wide.

fun and exciting!

Breaking It Down

Rich said my post "It pisses people off" is too well written and not simple enough to be perfectly clear, that it came off as defensive, which is not the tone I wrote it in, so I'll break it down:

*I have had prejudice thoughts that I have shared with others and ignored for too long, hoping they would go away, that I would just one day wake up an not feel them, that I would get over them

*Watching the movie "Crash" almost a year ago was a catalyst for me becoming acutely aware of those thoughts and no longer able to ignore them

*One Friday night a few month ago, an incident on the way home unlocked the door for all that ugliness to come through and finally be dealt with

*God has dealt tenderly and swiftly with my heart and my thoughts

*I know that I am not alone in the thoughts I had and wanted to post a challenging blog so that others might become aware of their prejudices and be motivated to deal with them in their own life

*I am deeply saddened and frustrated for being misunderstood by people I dearly love, and don't know how I could possibly make my heart more transparent and vulnerable on this issue

Thanks again, to all the people who continue to contact me, call me, speak to me about your reactions to this whole process. It is so encouraging and the more we talk about it, the more we change our mindset, our world view, and the more we are able to alter cultural patterns that are unacceptable yet unfortunately rarely dealt with

Tiffany works at a strip club

waiting tables, trying to make enough tips to get a place to stay for the night. Her fiance Chris is from Chicago and watches their 6 month old baby Christian while she works the night shift. They live in their car or wherever they can find a place to crash.

They walked past our house yesterday and needed a lot of help so we helped them. Tiffany and Christian came inside to get out of the heat while Rich and Chris fixed a flat tire on their car. Christian has terrible asthma that they were told to just "wait and see if he grows out of it". They just can't get any firm ground to stand on. Tiffany's mom died a year ago from a botched surgery and now her 11 year old brother is in custody of her crack-smoking dad. She wants to make enough money to get a place to live so she can get custody of her brother. Tiffany just turned 18.

She called me last night at 10:15 and without asking, asked if they could stay at our house for the night. I just couldn't bring myself to offer it to her. How much is too much? I wrestled with it for a good two hours. I prayed with her on the phone and stayed up looking for shelter information. They can't stay at the homeless shelter because it closes its doors at 7 pm and she works at the club from 7 to 3am or sometimes even 6am. On slow nights like last night, she'd only made $3 in as many hours and just didn't know what they were going to do.

She said she would call me today. I had a place for her to go but I never heard from her or Chris. They don't have a phone so, I just have to wait.

I don't know if they'll ever call us back. We know God put them in our path. I just keep hoping that I didn't ruin any future of helping them with turning them down last night.

It Pisses People Off

I have removed my blog about racism.

Of all the people who were bold enough to respond to it, either by posting a response or talking to me face to face, literally half of you were angry (some angry enough to say you never want to speak to me again) and the other half of you thanked me for being open about these issues.

Rereading over that blog today, I myself was taken aback by what I wrote, which is a testimony to how my openess allowed me to see the prejudice in my own heart, to confront it, to deal with it.

For those of you who thanked me, I applaud you because somehow, you read between the lines and grasped the point I made so subtly, however unintentional that subtlety was. At the time I wrote that blog, I was reactionary but truly believed that the heart of what I was getting at was being made clear. It was not.

For those of you who were angered by my post, I applaud you for responding honestly to what you read and how it affected you.

But now I have a response for you. There are some of you who I feel still have a sore spot about that blog, despite my most dedicated efforts to explain my heart of hearts to you. If you feel singled out by what I'm saying, then you are probably one of those people (but trust me, there are more than one of you).

Your reaction has made me feel like I have committed a most unforgivable sin. After rereading my post, I understand how easily my point was missed and how hurtful and angering were the words that I wrote. However, I have explained myself at length and now want to challenge you.

Had I committed any other sin, would it be less difficult to forgive me and love me?

Was the shock too great that someone you know and have called "friend", some of you even "sister", would have such awful, arrogant, blind, self-righteous thoughts?

Was the candid honesty of what was in my head so unexpected that you still can't get past the words I wrote and see what is truly in my heart?

I want to shout to you at the top of my lungs, with hot tears streaming down my cheeks "GUESS WHAT - I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE!"

I'm not the only who has had these thoughts or spoken those words, however hushed the conversations may have been. Would it surprise you to learn that many other people you know have shared these thoughts with me? Would you believe that we all acknowledged the wrongness of those thoughts, even though it was left at that?

I am tired of ignoring these prejudices in my own life, and my button-pushing blog was a result of one experience that God used to open up this ugly issue, to confront it, to deal with it in my own heart, and to challenge others to do the same.

If you still have not grasped the truth of me trying to openly address my prejudice so that others may be challenged to do the same thing, with a common purpose of tearing down those walls and changing thought patterns and attitudes, then I will say to you that you have your own strong holds to deal with.

Prejudice is a sin. But is it unforgivable? Is any sin greater than another?

If you don't know or believe how much I truly love those of you who were angered by my post, if you don't know or believe how God has torn down the strongholds of my prejudice in my own heart, then you don't know me as well as I'd like you to.

I am here, open to talk about where I'm at, what I feel, the process God is taking me through and the desires in my heart He is making me aware of to make enormous change.

So now it's up to you to deal with what was sparked in your heart by my blog, and to pursue forgivness - not for my sake, I know where I stand with God, but for your own sake, to be released from what angered you and find the freedom to join with me to change cultural patterns that have been so long-established.

Whoever you are, I love you.

Thanks, I needed that.

Recently Maisie has begun to laugh at what seems to be nothing but must just be her own cuteness. Here she is, feeling rather pleased and happy with herself.

Lesson Learned:

Showing Maisie what is in her diaper after she poos may be too exploratory of an experience for her at such a young age. Yes, that's poo on her face.


She'd never seen her poo before and I thought she might be interested to see the product of all that huffing and puffing she does. She was quite intereseted. Unfortunately, her ability to crawl on the bed is not quite as great as her interest in her diaper contents and she was unable to stop herself from toppling over and smushing her face into it. Can't say I don't let her explore!

Memphis Botanic Gardens, May 2007

i can't sleep

rich read me a headline today that said a piece of antartica the size of the state of california broke off into the ocean. someone i used to trust told me several years ago that there is no such thing as global warming, that it was propaganda of the secular world. i think they were so wrong. i watched a PBS special several weeks ago about the gulf coast and one of the people interviewed, whose job is to preserve the coast line, said that maps of the US are completely outdated, that the outline of the coast is totally changed from what has been printed on maps for so long, because of erosion caused by warmer temperatures and rising water.

i'm lying in bed, trying to fall asleep when, inevitably, i begin thinking about things that are beyond my measley ability and influence to change. global warming, terrorism, poverty, class, racism, modern slavery.

people are so much more aware and active (as in activists) than it seems people were even just a few years ago. celebrities like bono and george clooney, and so many others, do such a good job of trying to bring awareness to these issues and are using their resources to turn the key and start the ignition for change. but most of the time it seems like the ignition of this modern day vehicle is barely turning over. their efforts turn the key but there is rarely a moment of engagement and we certainly aren't started and ready for action. what will it take? how long will it take?

what the hell is wrong with the world? what is wrong with people? why have we lived so long for ourselves? millenia of selfishness and blind arrogance are snowballing.

what kind of world will Maisie grow up in? will it survive long enough for her to have children? would it even be a world that she would want to raise children in?

day to day life seems so normal and just what we expect from our western, affluential, safe lives. but what is really going beyond the scheduled lives we lead on a daily basis? is all this trauma and drama really happening? if it is, why aren't we doing more to change it? why isn't it more important to us? have we "entertained ourselves to death" (Neil Postman) so that we are numb, deaf, blind, impotent to the need around us - the need of our neighbors both downtown and across the ocean, the need of our planet?

i believe "the earth is the Lord's and everything therein" and i believe that "God saw all that He had made, and it was very good". i don't believe He's a divine "watchmaker" who put some gears together and sat back to watch it run it's course. but the only relief from the human condition is Jesus coming back, and sometimes that seems like something that will never happen. i believe that the earth and the heavens will be renewed with fire and i wonder if this is all part of the process.

i just can't believe that the human condition has caused so much damage, and that we seem to be so slow to realize and recognize it, and even slower to stop it and change it. "Oh the humanity" has never been less humorous.

i want to be optimistic, i want to have hope, i want to make a difference. but tonight i just want to cry. i know tomorrow i will wake up and it will seem like a faint memory, and i will go about my normal routine with Maisie and enjoy the sunshine and quietness of weekday living in the suburbs. but underneath i know the world is churning in all it's turmoil and fitfulness. i want things to change, and want to be part of it but, again, i feel so small and incapable.

i have to trust that "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." (2 Peter 3:9)

Buster's In Boulder

So, I watch some PBS kid's programming during the day. It helps give Maisie something to do or look at while I try to make something to eat or go to the bathroom.

One program that's on right now is called "Postcards From Buster". He's the rabbit from the "Arthur" stories. In the show he travels around all over the US and learns about new places and people. He's an animated rabbit taking home videos of live people. A pretty cool concept.

Anyway, the episode airing today is in Boulder, CO, my hometown.

He's taping all these places I grew up and identify with as "me" and "self". Looking out my window and seeing that I'm still in Memphis I feel out of place, homesick, disappointed. I wish Maisie could see Boulder. I wish she could grow up in that environment. I wish Rich could see all the places that I grew up that make me "me".

I love our community. But we need a holiday. And Boulder sure is looking good.

Miss you Boulder.

Who Wants To Be My Pimp?

Apparently the guy driving his pimped out hoopty through our neighborhood does.

He doesn't live here. I've never seen him around here hanging out at anyone's house. I've never seen that car drive by on any of our streets. Our quiet little neighborhood is almost entirely older couples that have lived here since the neighborhood was built in the 50's or young families like ours. This guy was WAY out of place.

Maisie and I were on the last stretch of our walk which zigzags through the four blocks that make up our little neighborhood in Berclair. Maisie was totally zonked out in the stroller. People rarely drive by on our walks because most everyone in the neighborhood is at work, unless they are retirees or stay at home moms, like myself.

I was enjoying the fresh air and peaceful noon-time sun when I heard a car coming up behind us. I was walking in the street to help keep Maisie asleep so I moved over toward the sidewalk. The car slowed down and rolled along at pace with me. I looked over to see a young guy smiling at me.

"Hey" I said.

"I knowz whe' yoo goin'" he said, still smiling.

"Oh yeah? Where?" I thought this should be interesting.

"You walkin' that bay-beh". Not as profound as I had hoped.

"Yep" I acknowledged.

"You want my help?" he said offering me a ride in his hoopty.

"Nope, thanks, I'm fine".

"Ok" he said, still keeping pace with me and smiling.

"I like your car" What the hell did I just say? I am such an idiot. I ALWAYS feel like I have to say something to make sure people know I'm not mean and that I didn't hurt their feelings.

He looked at me with a different kind of smile. "Whe' yo man at?"

"He's at work" I said, no longer smiling.

"Oh, a'right". He finally sped up and drove away.

All at once I felt like laughing, I felt angry, I felt vulnerable, I felt like a mother bear.

I wished I had paid more attention to the details of his car so I could report it. I wished I didn't always feel like I had to put people at ease, especially when THEY are the ones making things awkward. I wished I had asked him point-blank what he was doing and what he was trying to get out of me. I wished the whole exchange had never happened.

Did he just happen to see me walking as he drove by on the main road and decided I looked like a vulnerable girl he could get in to his car? Had he been following me for a while and I was unaware of it? How could he really think I might possible take him up on his offer?

I am so grateful he wasn't pushy, that he didn't stop his car and get out, that he apparently decided I wasn't going to play his game and he should move on to someone else.

But I am way pissed off. Way.

The line in my head and my heart between prejudice and the need to feel safe as a women walking my daughter in the middle of the day on a quiet street of our family-filled neighborhood is very unclear. Should I have handled the situation differently? Should I be reacting differently, either to one extreme or the other? Why can't I feel sure about the way I did handle it and the way I am reacting? Am I becoming hypersensitive to offense?

Blah.

The First Step To Breaking The Cycle

James 2

A Warning against Prejudice

1 My dear brothers and sisters, how can you claim to have faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ if you favor some people over others?
2 For example, suppose someone comes into your meeting dressed in fancy clothes and expensive jewelry, and another comes in who is poor and dressed in dirty clothes. 3 If you give special attention and a good seat to the rich person, but you say to the poor one, “You can stand over there, or else sit on the floor”—well, 4 doesn’t this discrimination show that your judgments are guided by evil motives?

5 Listen to me, dear brothers and sisters. Hasn’t God chosen the poor in this world to be rich in faith? Aren’t they the ones who will inherit the Kingdom he promised to those who love him? 6 But you dishonor the poor! Isn’t it the rich who oppress you and drag you into court? 7 Aren’t they the ones who slander Jesus Christ, whose noble name you bear?

8 Yes indeed, it is good when you obey the royal law as found in the Scriptures: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” 9 But if you favor some people over others, you are committing a sin. You are guilty of breaking the law.

10 For the person who keeps all of the laws except one is as guilty as a person who has broken all of God’s laws. 11 For the same God who said, “You must not commit adultery,” also said, “You must not murder.” So if you murder someone but do not commit adultery, you have still broken the law.

12 So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. 13 There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.

Faith without Good Deeds Is Dead

14 What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? 15 Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, 16 and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do?
17 So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless.

18 Now someone may argue, “Some people have faith; others have good deeds.” But I say, “How can you show me your faith if you don’t have good deeds? I will show you my faith by my good deeds.”

19 You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. 20 How foolish! Can’t you see that faith without good deeds is useless?

21 Don’t you remember that our ancestor Abraham was shown to be right with God by his actions when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? 22 You see, his faith and his actions worked together. His actions made his faith complete. 23 And so it happened just as the Scriptures say: “Abraham believed God, and God counted him as righteous because of his faith.” He was even called the friend of God. 24 So you see, we are shown to be right with God by what we do, not by faith alone.

25 Rahab the prostitute is another example. She was shown to be right with God by her actions when she hid those messengers and sent them safely away by a different road. 26 Just as the body is dead without breath, so also faith is dead without good works.

Does the Cycle End?

i'm asking myself this after a rabbit trail of thoughts.

it all started two days ago. i watched Pride & Prejudice, a movie i dearly love. for those who are not so enamoured with Jane Austen or classic love stories, it essentially is a story of one woman from a certain class (economic status) and a man from a much higher class falling in love, her pride and his prejudice.

fortunately for her, Elizabeth Bennet (the main character) was born into a decent class, but from those in higher classes her position in society was not very desirable, especially when it came to marriage and joining families from different classes.

what got me thinking about the cycle was a very unobtrusive thing i saw while watching the extras on the DVD. one of the extras was about Jane Austen, how she was ahead of her time as an author. there was a shot of her signature which, incidentally starts with the same letter as mine. i remember always feeling like i had poor hand writing and wanting to be able to sign my name in the style of handwriting that Jane Austen and so many others used during that time period.

what i realized is that handwriting from that time period was so beautiful, consistent and precise because people wrote more slowly. they had time to sit and be very deliberate about the strokes they made. women had time to sit and learn to sew, to draw, to study the "modern" languages, to play piano-forte, to read and to write. well, women born into a good class had time to become "accomplished" as it was called.

so, i thought, what of the women (and men) who didn't have time to become accomplished? they were the girls and boys who came from lower class families. girls who had to work as seamstresses, cooks, house maids, au-peres (nannies), if they were lucky enough to be hired by an upperclass family. some girls didn't have that good fortune and took positions in some of the lowest classes of society, just to be able to buy some stale bread to eat (i'm thinking of Charlie and the Chocolate factory, how Charlie's mom washed laundry for a living and the family was eating cabbage soup for the 5th or 6th day in a row and it was basically watered down-watered down left over cabbage soup). these women and men never had time to sit and learn to write. they came from families with little or no money, which led them into a life of work instead of education, and the work they did never got them ahead in life, but only kept them alive for that day. with no time for education, they never got better jobs, never made more money, never had any hope of being anything more than what they were, unless they defied the odds, like Elizabeth Bennet, and married into a higher class (which, as a side note, is why the story is such a classic. Elizabeth Bennet found love and defied the odds).

all this makes me ask: where the heck in history did class begin? it's not new and it's still the structure of society today. who decided what was valuable and who was allowed to have it? when did people begin dividing themselves into class? was it when greed and pride caused a man to horde what was valuable and overpower people to become a king? how far back does class go?

why hasn't it changed? if we know that class division is wrong and that the value of a human life has nothing to do with possessions or education, why are we still living in a world that functions based on class?

i know it has to do with expectations. people in lower classes aren't treated with the expectation that they can be more, and sadly it seems rare that a person from a lower class defies the expectation and breaks into a higher class.

i thought capitalism was supposed to be the american dream? everyone gets a slice of the pie, everyone gets to make his own way and find his dream and get rich. well, when everyone is looking out for number one and when our lives are based on and fueled by profit, people are going to get stepped on and trodded upon until they are under the shoes of someone else.

when does it end? how does it end? is it possible to end the cycle of class, of poverty, of materialism, of gain for self without regard for any other life? if capitalism isn't the answer, could it be communism, where every person is regarded equally? i think the former soviet union is an adequate response to that.

no structure of society ever devised or schemed by mankind will ever be the answer because we are deeply flawed. the human condition is that we exist for ourselves, we live for number one, we choose and fight for the right to be our own individual person, separate from others, more important than others.

is there any hope for change? unless we be changed thoroughly, completely, wholly and totally into a new creation by the Spirit of the One who raised Jesus from the dead, there is no hope for change. even then, we still struggle in these time worn bodies to make an existance for ourselves.

changing our mindset about what is important and what makes people valuable is the first step, and can only be accomplished by living from the inner sanctuary of the soul where God dwells, viewing our world and our earthly companions in the glow of His holy light. but change in perspective is useless if we don't make tangible and practical changes.

i was going to quote a verse from James 2 about faith being dead and useless without works, but really, the entire chapter is fitting.

but considering all this, i feel so small, so helpless, so hopeless. i am one person, less educated than most, living at a financial level considered "low class", and raising a baby. what means could i possible have to make any impact or change whatsoever that could affect humanity? the answers and solutions are so enormous. i feel so lame.

Maisie vs. Yogurt

Picnic time for Maisie Boos

Vodka, anyone?

Just kidding!