May 30, 2007
May 26, 2007
Breaking It Down
Rich said my post "It pisses people off" is too well written and not simple enough to be perfectly clear, that it came off as defensive, which is not the tone I wrote it in, so I'll break it down:
*I have had prejudice thoughts that I have shared with others and ignored for too long, hoping they would go away, that I would just one day wake up an not feel them, that I would get over them
*Watching the movie "Crash" almost a year ago was a catalyst for me becoming acutely aware of those thoughts and no longer able to ignore them
*One Friday night a few month ago, an incident on the way home unlocked the door for all that ugliness to come through and finally be dealt with
*God has dealt tenderly and swiftly with my heart and my thoughts
*I know that I am not alone in the thoughts I had and wanted to post a challenging blog so that others might become aware of their prejudices and be motivated to deal with them in their own life
*I am deeply saddened and frustrated for being misunderstood by people I dearly love, and don't know how I could possibly make my heart more transparent and vulnerable on this issue
Thanks again, to all the people who continue to contact me, call me, speak to me about your reactions to this whole process. It is so encouraging and the more we talk about it, the more we change our mindset, our world view, and the more we are able to alter cultural patterns that are unacceptable yet unfortunately rarely dealt with
*I have had prejudice thoughts that I have shared with others and ignored for too long, hoping they would go away, that I would just one day wake up an not feel them, that I would get over them
*Watching the movie "Crash" almost a year ago was a catalyst for me becoming acutely aware of those thoughts and no longer able to ignore them
*One Friday night a few month ago, an incident on the way home unlocked the door for all that ugliness to come through and finally be dealt with
*God has dealt tenderly and swiftly with my heart and my thoughts
*I know that I am not alone in the thoughts I had and wanted to post a challenging blog so that others might become aware of their prejudices and be motivated to deal with them in their own life
*I am deeply saddened and frustrated for being misunderstood by people I dearly love, and don't know how I could possibly make my heart more transparent and vulnerable on this issue
Thanks again, to all the people who continue to contact me, call me, speak to me about your reactions to this whole process. It is so encouraging and the more we talk about it, the more we change our mindset, our world view, and the more we are able to alter cultural patterns that are unacceptable yet unfortunately rarely dealt with
May 25, 2007
May 24, 2007
Tiffany works at a strip club
waiting tables, trying to make enough tips to get a place to stay for the night. Her fiance Chris is from Chicago and watches their 6 month old baby Christian while she works the night shift. They live in their car or wherever they can find a place to crash.
They walked past our house yesterday and needed a lot of help so we helped them. Tiffany and Christian came inside to get out of the heat while Rich and Chris fixed a flat tire on their car. Christian has terrible asthma that they were told to just "wait and see if he grows out of it". They just can't get any firm ground to stand on. Tiffany's mom died a year ago from a botched surgery and now her 11 year old brother is in custody of her crack-smoking dad. She wants to make enough money to get a place to live so she can get custody of her brother. Tiffany just turned 18.
She called me last night at 10:15 and without asking, asked if they could stay at our house for the night. I just couldn't bring myself to offer it to her. How much is too much? I wrestled with it for a good two hours. I prayed with her on the phone and stayed up looking for shelter information. They can't stay at the homeless shelter because it closes its doors at 7 pm and she works at the club from 7 to 3am or sometimes even 6am. On slow nights like last night, she'd only made $3 in as many hours and just didn't know what they were going to do.
She said she would call me today. I had a place for her to go but I never heard from her or Chris. They don't have a phone so, I just have to wait.
I don't know if they'll ever call us back. We know God put them in our path. I just keep hoping that I didn't ruin any future of helping them with turning them down last night.
It Pisses People Off
I have removed my blog about racism.
Of all the people who were bold enough to respond to it, either by posting a response or talking to me face to face, literally half of you were angry (some angry enough to say you never want to speak to me again) and the other half of you thanked me for being open about these issues.
Rereading over that blog today, I myself was taken aback by what I wrote, which is a testimony to how my openess allowed me to see the prejudice in my own heart, to confront it, to deal with it.
For those of you who thanked me, I applaud you because somehow, you read between the lines and grasped the point I made so subtly, however unintentional that subtlety was. At the time I wrote that blog, I was reactionary but truly believed that the heart of what I was getting at was being made clear. It was not.
For those of you who were angered by my post, I applaud you for responding honestly to what you read and how it affected you.
But now I have a response for you. There are some of you who I feel still have a sore spot about that blog, despite my most dedicated efforts to explain my heart of hearts to you. If you feel singled out by what I'm saying, then you are probably one of those people (but trust me, there are more than one of you).
Your reaction has made me feel like I have committed a most unforgivable sin. After rereading my post, I understand how easily my point was missed and how hurtful and angering were the words that I wrote. However, I have explained myself at length and now want to challenge you.
Had I committed any other sin, would it be less difficult to forgive me and love me?
Was the shock too great that someone you know and have called "friend", some of you even "sister", would have such awful, arrogant, blind, self-righteous thoughts?
Was the candid honesty of what was in my head so unexpected that you still can't get past the words I wrote and see what is truly in my heart?
I want to shout to you at the top of my lungs, with hot tears streaming down my cheeks "GUESS WHAT - I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE!"
I'm not the only who has had these thoughts or spoken those words, however hushed the conversations may have been. Would it surprise you to learn that many other people you know have shared these thoughts with me? Would you believe that we all acknowledged the wrongness of those thoughts, even though it was left at that?
I am tired of ignoring these prejudices in my own life, and my button-pushing blog was a result of one experience that God used to open up this ugly issue, to confront it, to deal with it in my own heart, and to challenge others to do the same.
If you still have not grasped the truth of me trying to openly address my prejudice so that others may be challenged to do the same thing, with a common purpose of tearing down those walls and changing thought patterns and attitudes, then I will say to you that you have your own strong holds to deal with.
Prejudice is a sin. But is it unforgivable? Is any sin greater than another?
If you don't know or believe how much I truly love those of you who were angered by my post, if you don't know or believe how God has torn down the strongholds of my prejudice in my own heart, then you don't know me as well as I'd like you to.
I am here, open to talk about where I'm at, what I feel, the process God is taking me through and the desires in my heart He is making me aware of to make enormous change.
So now it's up to you to deal with what was sparked in your heart by my blog, and to pursue forgivness - not for my sake, I know where I stand with God, but for your own sake, to be released from what angered you and find the freedom to join with me to change cultural patterns that have been so long-established.
Whoever you are, I love you.
Of all the people who were bold enough to respond to it, either by posting a response or talking to me face to face, literally half of you were angry (some angry enough to say you never want to speak to me again) and the other half of you thanked me for being open about these issues.
Rereading over that blog today, I myself was taken aback by what I wrote, which is a testimony to how my openess allowed me to see the prejudice in my own heart, to confront it, to deal with it.
For those of you who thanked me, I applaud you because somehow, you read between the lines and grasped the point I made so subtly, however unintentional that subtlety was. At the time I wrote that blog, I was reactionary but truly believed that the heart of what I was getting at was being made clear. It was not.
For those of you who were angered by my post, I applaud you for responding honestly to what you read and how it affected you.
But now I have a response for you. There are some of you who I feel still have a sore spot about that blog, despite my most dedicated efforts to explain my heart of hearts to you. If you feel singled out by what I'm saying, then you are probably one of those people (but trust me, there are more than one of you).
Your reaction has made me feel like I have committed a most unforgivable sin. After rereading my post, I understand how easily my point was missed and how hurtful and angering were the words that I wrote. However, I have explained myself at length and now want to challenge you.
Had I committed any other sin, would it be less difficult to forgive me and love me?
Was the shock too great that someone you know and have called "friend", some of you even "sister", would have such awful, arrogant, blind, self-righteous thoughts?
Was the candid honesty of what was in my head so unexpected that you still can't get past the words I wrote and see what is truly in my heart?
I want to shout to you at the top of my lungs, with hot tears streaming down my cheeks "GUESS WHAT - I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE!"
I'm not the only who has had these thoughts or spoken those words, however hushed the conversations may have been. Would it surprise you to learn that many other people you know have shared these thoughts with me? Would you believe that we all acknowledged the wrongness of those thoughts, even though it was left at that?
I am tired of ignoring these prejudices in my own life, and my button-pushing blog was a result of one experience that God used to open up this ugly issue, to confront it, to deal with it in my own heart, and to challenge others to do the same.
If you still have not grasped the truth of me trying to openly address my prejudice so that others may be challenged to do the same thing, with a common purpose of tearing down those walls and changing thought patterns and attitudes, then I will say to you that you have your own strong holds to deal with.
Prejudice is a sin. But is it unforgivable? Is any sin greater than another?
If you don't know or believe how much I truly love those of you who were angered by my post, if you don't know or believe how God has torn down the strongholds of my prejudice in my own heart, then you don't know me as well as I'd like you to.
I am here, open to talk about where I'm at, what I feel, the process God is taking me through and the desires in my heart He is making me aware of to make enormous change.
So now it's up to you to deal with what was sparked in your heart by my blog, and to pursue forgivness - not for my sake, I know where I stand with God, but for your own sake, to be released from what angered you and find the freedom to join with me to change cultural patterns that have been so long-established.
Whoever you are, I love you.
May 23, 2007
Thanks, I needed that.
Recently Maisie has begun to laugh at what seems to be nothing but must just be her own cuteness. Here she is, feeling rather pleased and happy with herself.
Lesson Learned:
Showing Maisie what is in her diaper after she poos may be too exploratory of an experience for her at such a young age. Yes, that's poo on her face.
She'd never seen her poo before and I thought she might be interested to see the product of all that huffing and puffing she does. She was quite intereseted. Unfortunately, her ability to crawl on the bed is not quite as great as her interest in her diaper contents and she was unable to stop herself from toppling over and smushing her face into it. Can't say I don't let her explore!
She'd never seen her poo before and I thought she might be interested to see the product of all that huffing and puffing she does. She was quite intereseted. Unfortunately, her ability to crawl on the bed is not quite as great as her interest in her diaper contents and she was unable to stop herself from toppling over and smushing her face into it. Can't say I don't let her explore!
May 18, 2007
May 16, 2007
i can't sleep
rich read me a headline today that said a piece of antartica the size of the state of california broke off into the ocean. someone i used to trust told me several years ago that there is no such thing as global warming, that it was propaganda of the secular world. i think they were so wrong. i watched a PBS special several weeks ago about the gulf coast and one of the people interviewed, whose job is to preserve the coast line, said that maps of the US are completely outdated, that the outline of the coast is totally changed from what has been printed on maps for so long, because of erosion caused by warmer temperatures and rising water.
i'm lying in bed, trying to fall asleep when, inevitably, i begin thinking about things that are beyond my measley ability and influence to change. global warming, terrorism, poverty, class, racism, modern slavery.
people are so much more aware and active (as in activists) than it seems people were even just a few years ago. celebrities like bono and george clooney, and so many others, do such a good job of trying to bring awareness to these issues and are using their resources to turn the key and start the ignition for change. but most of the time it seems like the ignition of this modern day vehicle is barely turning over. their efforts turn the key but there is rarely a moment of engagement and we certainly aren't started and ready for action. what will it take? how long will it take?
what the hell is wrong with the world? what is wrong with people? why have we lived so long for ourselves? millenia of selfishness and blind arrogance are snowballing.
what kind of world will Maisie grow up in? will it survive long enough for her to have children? would it even be a world that she would want to raise children in?
day to day life seems so normal and just what we expect from our western, affluential, safe lives. but what is really going beyond the scheduled lives we lead on a daily basis? is all this trauma and drama really happening? if it is, why aren't we doing more to change it? why isn't it more important to us? have we "entertained ourselves to death" (Neil Postman) so that we are numb, deaf, blind, impotent to the need around us - the need of our neighbors both downtown and across the ocean, the need of our planet?
i believe "the earth is the Lord's and everything therein" and i believe that "God saw all that He had made, and it was very good". i don't believe He's a divine "watchmaker" who put some gears together and sat back to watch it run it's course. but the only relief from the human condition is Jesus coming back, and sometimes that seems like something that will never happen. i believe that the earth and the heavens will be renewed with fire and i wonder if this is all part of the process.
i just can't believe that the human condition has caused so much damage, and that we seem to be so slow to realize and recognize it, and even slower to stop it and change it. "Oh the humanity" has never been less humorous.
i want to be optimistic, i want to have hope, i want to make a difference. but tonight i just want to cry. i know tomorrow i will wake up and it will seem like a faint memory, and i will go about my normal routine with Maisie and enjoy the sunshine and quietness of weekday living in the suburbs. but underneath i know the world is churning in all it's turmoil and fitfulness. i want things to change, and want to be part of it but, again, i feel so small and incapable.
i have to trust that "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." (2 Peter 3:9)
i'm lying in bed, trying to fall asleep when, inevitably, i begin thinking about things that are beyond my measley ability and influence to change. global warming, terrorism, poverty, class, racism, modern slavery.
people are so much more aware and active (as in activists) than it seems people were even just a few years ago. celebrities like bono and george clooney, and so many others, do such a good job of trying to bring awareness to these issues and are using their resources to turn the key and start the ignition for change. but most of the time it seems like the ignition of this modern day vehicle is barely turning over. their efforts turn the key but there is rarely a moment of engagement and we certainly aren't started and ready for action. what will it take? how long will it take?
what the hell is wrong with the world? what is wrong with people? why have we lived so long for ourselves? millenia of selfishness and blind arrogance are snowballing.
what kind of world will Maisie grow up in? will it survive long enough for her to have children? would it even be a world that she would want to raise children in?
day to day life seems so normal and just what we expect from our western, affluential, safe lives. but what is really going beyond the scheduled lives we lead on a daily basis? is all this trauma and drama really happening? if it is, why aren't we doing more to change it? why isn't it more important to us? have we "entertained ourselves to death" (Neil Postman) so that we are numb, deaf, blind, impotent to the need around us - the need of our neighbors both downtown and across the ocean, the need of our planet?
i believe "the earth is the Lord's and everything therein" and i believe that "God saw all that He had made, and it was very good". i don't believe He's a divine "watchmaker" who put some gears together and sat back to watch it run it's course. but the only relief from the human condition is Jesus coming back, and sometimes that seems like something that will never happen. i believe that the earth and the heavens will be renewed with fire and i wonder if this is all part of the process.
i just can't believe that the human condition has caused so much damage, and that we seem to be so slow to realize and recognize it, and even slower to stop it and change it. "Oh the humanity" has never been less humorous.
i want to be optimistic, i want to have hope, i want to make a difference. but tonight i just want to cry. i know tomorrow i will wake up and it will seem like a faint memory, and i will go about my normal routine with Maisie and enjoy the sunshine and quietness of weekday living in the suburbs. but underneath i know the world is churning in all it's turmoil and fitfulness. i want things to change, and want to be part of it but, again, i feel so small and incapable.
i have to trust that "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." (2 Peter 3:9)
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