May 24, 2007

It Pisses People Off

I have removed my blog about racism.

Of all the people who were bold enough to respond to it, either by posting a response or talking to me face to face, literally half of you were angry (some angry enough to say you never want to speak to me again) and the other half of you thanked me for being open about these issues.

Rereading over that blog today, I myself was taken aback by what I wrote, which is a testimony to how my openess allowed me to see the prejudice in my own heart, to confront it, to deal with it.

For those of you who thanked me, I applaud you because somehow, you read between the lines and grasped the point I made so subtly, however unintentional that subtlety was. At the time I wrote that blog, I was reactionary but truly believed that the heart of what I was getting at was being made clear. It was not.

For those of you who were angered by my post, I applaud you for responding honestly to what you read and how it affected you.

But now I have a response for you. There are some of you who I feel still have a sore spot about that blog, despite my most dedicated efforts to explain my heart of hearts to you. If you feel singled out by what I'm saying, then you are probably one of those people (but trust me, there are more than one of you).

Your reaction has made me feel like I have committed a most unforgivable sin. After rereading my post, I understand how easily my point was missed and how hurtful and angering were the words that I wrote. However, I have explained myself at length and now want to challenge you.

Had I committed any other sin, would it be less difficult to forgive me and love me?

Was the shock too great that someone you know and have called "friend", some of you even "sister", would have such awful, arrogant, blind, self-righteous thoughts?

Was the candid honesty of what was in my head so unexpected that you still can't get past the words I wrote and see what is truly in my heart?

I want to shout to you at the top of my lungs, with hot tears streaming down my cheeks "GUESS WHAT - I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE!"

I'm not the only who has had these thoughts or spoken those words, however hushed the conversations may have been. Would it surprise you to learn that many other people you know have shared these thoughts with me? Would you believe that we all acknowledged the wrongness of those thoughts, even though it was left at that?

I am tired of ignoring these prejudices in my own life, and my button-pushing blog was a result of one experience that God used to open up this ugly issue, to confront it, to deal with it in my own heart, and to challenge others to do the same.

If you still have not grasped the truth of me trying to openly address my prejudice so that others may be challenged to do the same thing, with a common purpose of tearing down those walls and changing thought patterns and attitudes, then I will say to you that you have your own strong holds to deal with.

Prejudice is a sin. But is it unforgivable? Is any sin greater than another?

If you don't know or believe how much I truly love those of you who were angered by my post, if you don't know or believe how God has torn down the strongholds of my prejudice in my own heart, then you don't know me as well as I'd like you to.

I am here, open to talk about where I'm at, what I feel, the process God is taking me through and the desires in my heart He is making me aware of to make enormous change.

So now it's up to you to deal with what was sparked in your heart by my blog, and to pursue forgivness - not for my sake, I know where I stand with God, but for your own sake, to be released from what angered you and find the freedom to join with me to change cultural patterns that have been so long-established.

Whoever you are, I love you.

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